The Evolution of Pokemon Go…

In a startling turn of events, the Dow sunk below 300 in August of 2016. Not since 1929 have we seen such an abrupt and deliberate attack on the financial well-being of this nation. Bulbasaur, Rattata, Meowth, and Bellsprouts are only a few of the characters to blame on these tragic events.

A whopping 98.6% of the country’s smart phone users downloaded and used the app on a daily basis. Six days after launch, the average daily use of Pokemon Go was higher than Snapchat, Tinder, Instagram, and Facebook. Within two weeks, it took over all other forms of media. Even those quoted as saying,

“This shit doesn’t make any sense.”

were logging in 10–20 times an hour, leading to what financial advisors are referring to as, “the poke that broke the country’s back.” Like a systematic parasite, the United States fell into the grip of an addiction that makes heroin seem like a child’s game (which, needless to say, actually happened when the parents were too busy “catching them all”).

In what started as a good way to make losing weight a game, many users were found wandering the streets far into the night, often mumbling to themselves,

“Gotta find Mewtwo.”

It wasn’t until the first Pokemon fatalities that the download craze really hit a fevered pitch. Many were asking for the game to be banned, some were asking for game-imposed breaks, others were so engrossed in it that they never heard the news. Then, everything changed.

Developers merely mentioned taking the app off of the market and the game started… changing. Without warning, people’s phones would start turning on with the game open and ready. Those around the world who didn’t have smartphones began receiving them in the mail, pre-loaded with Pokemon Go. No one could have predicted the sentients. But they came too.

I’m writing this from the resistance. There are people who don’t play the game and you can recognize us easily. We will have no phone in our hands when we walk. We will shake your hand when you walk near. We can beat them. We can survive.

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Thanks for reading!