My Search for My ONE THING

(this article was originally posted on jasonweiland.net)

Life is confusing.

Being a successful entrepreneur has always been my holy grail. Sure, I’ve had many businesses, but nothing clicked. I’ve made a lot of money, but the fact is I never really enjoyed what I was doing, and honestly, money has never been a great motivation for me.

Let me explain.

Yes, I understand that we all need money, and some of you may think I am fooling myself or being dishonest when I say that money is not my main motivation.

My existence has been a constant search for finding out what I want to do with my life. Especially these past seven years, when I have been working to improve my mental health, I have been looking to make up for all the lost time I spent dealing with my illness. I spent the time from age 32 to 44 just trying to figure out how to survive. Before that, I had businesses, worked in management, and had a family. I did everything I was supposed to do, even with an undiagnosed mental illness.

My whole life I have never found the ONE THING about my work life, that has made me feel like I was doing I was meant to do. I’ve managed, designed, developed, created, innovated, and I still don’t think I’ve found the ONE THING that satisfies me.

Is there even ONE THING, or is it just something I picked up in a book long ago and clung to it all these years? There must be a purpose for working beside making money, or someone would have already thought of a way to do away with the concept of it.

Our psyche has evolved so that we avoid pain at all costs, and strive to make ourselves as comfortable as possible. So, I don’t understand. Is the only reason that people work their whole lives at jobs they hate so the can have a new iPhone every few months, or the 50-inch flat screen that they never have time to watch?

I am perplexed by everything; though you would think at the age of 49, I would have a few things figured out.

I don’t, and I’m not afraid to say that I have no answers.

The past few days, depression reared its ugly head because these same thoughts have been ruminating. Depression tells me I am a failure, and I shouldn’t try anything new because I am just going to make a fool out of myself again.

But, as the blinders from the depression fall from my eyes, I realize that failing often has shown me more things I didn’t know before. Something deep inside of me refuses to quit, and as I shake the cobwebs from my head, the idea-machine that is my brain starts up once again.

I must believe that one day if I keep trying new things, I will find the ONE THING that will make the pieces fit together. I know it can happen because it did with my personal life. I will not say my life is perfect because it’s not. But, the moments of happiness far outweigh the bad, negative feelings I lived with for so long. My wife and daughter are not faultless, but their flaws and imperfections meld with mine, and we experience love and bliss.

I want to feel this way in all areas of my life. I don’t think it’s too much to ask to enjoy my short life before I move on to whatever awaits me after I die.

I am searching. I already have a few ideas and am working on them as I write this. I will keep trying to find something I can be happy doing.

I will find my grail. It’s just a matter of time. I will find my ONE THING.