Man files lawsuit against watermelon

On Saturday my daughter asked me if I could slice up some watermelon I purchased earlier in the day. I was in the middle of who knows what and wanted to get it over with quick so I thought back to this video.

Surely you’ve seen this video floating around the Internet right? Some dude in an apron slicing up a watermelon like an absolute boss. With that kind of knife work and the blue shirt I think he’s actually Leonardo from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

So I give his wonderful technique a try, only it plays out a little different than it did in the video. See, in the clip he puts the knife in the side of the melon. Me? I put the knife in the side of my finger. Apparently you’re supposed to stick it straight in and out, whereas I went with the angled method. My knife went in like a 747 taking off from an airport and my hand was on top of it. Had it played out in slow-mo, you would have seen the tip of the knife emerge like a Great White shark from the fleshy melon and take a chomp out of my ring finger.

Now I’ve never had stitches before, but the second I felt that thing rip into my finger I thought, “Welp, I’m gonna need stitches.” And when I looked down at my finger my next thought was, “Welp, I was right.”

Thankfully my wife was home to watch the kids so I wrapped that thing up in a roll of Bounty Paper Towel and drove myself to the hospital. Along the way I kept wondering where I went wrong and then realized that this wasn’t my fault at all. That guy in the video never warned me that my knife could cut me. Maybe I could sue him! Hell, that one lady sued McDonalds for spilling hot coffee on herself, why the hell can’t I sue the watermelon man?

Then again, why stop there? I think I might have a class action lawsuit against watermelons in general. After all, if they didn’t have those pesky rinds we would never have been in this mess in the first place. Shit, if grapes can figure out how to go seedless a watermelon should learn how to be rindless. It’s not my fault they haven’t evolved.

Anyways, I’d show you a picture of what my finger looked like, but this is a family blog and I need to keep a PG-13 rating. But if my finger were a police mugshot, this is what it would have looked like:

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