Sex Coupons

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day which means couples everywhere were swapping everything from candy and flowers to jewelry and passive aggressive comments.

One thing that almost assuredly changed hands yesterday was sex coupons. If you’re not familiar, a sex coupon is a piece of paper one person gives to another to redeem certain sexual favors. In the world’s oldest profession, this is also known as a twenty dollar bill.

My wife gave me some sex coupons several years ago, but I think it was more of a joke than anything. As soon as she handed me the pack she said, “You can’t use these now or anything” as if she just handed over a Series EE $50 U.S. Savings Bond backed by the Treasury Department.

Truth be told, many husbands like me discover that sex coupons don’t exactly work as advertised. For starters, the actual application of the coupon is more similar to a gift card than coupon. After all, my wife isn’t charging me for sex so it’s not like I get a discount for using a coupon. And as a professional marketer I have some concerns over what a “coupon” communicates, anyways.

“Well, no one else wanted this so we’re going to heavily discount it in hopes of clearing inventory before the new line arrives in the Spring.”

The other thing that’s frustrating about trying to use these coupons is that your significant other has carte blanche to determine whether to accept, when to accept, and under what terms. For example, one night I tried to use my “Try another position in bed” coupon and all that ended up happening is that we slept on opposite sides and I missed work because I couldn’t figure out how to set her alarm clock.

Another trick my wife pulled was trying to work inflation into the mix. I didn’t realize I still had an oral sex coupon from a few years back and when I tried to redeem it she told me that if you factor in an average annual inflation rate of 2% that coupon is now only worth a handshake. Her economic policies blew my mind — which ended up being the only thing blown. But I gotta say, that was the best damn handshake I’ve ever had.

The other thing I realized when it comes to sex coupons is how far behind they are in terms of technology. Most retailers have moved towards a digital customer loyalty program in lieu of coupons. With such an app I could virtually clip the sex coupons that interest me the most, get 10 cents off gas, and use it to keep track of my most frequent transactions. It could even recommend certain acts it thinks I might like based on my previous history.

Customers who purchased this also enjoyed the rusty trombone!

Now I admit there are certain limitations to this idea. For one, I’m not sure how exactly I’d enter in my pin number. And don’t get me started on where I’d swipe my credit card. But overall I think there’s huge potential. I told my wife that I even had a clever name for my app: SexPerks

To which she replied, “Don’t you think Speedy Rewards is more fitting?”

Hardy-har-har.

Truth be told, though, I did appreciate the gesture of her getting me the coupons in the first place. They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but I’d argue that it’s really through his penis.

Lucky for me, these days the former hangs down awfully close to the latter so I guess I’m covered either way.

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