TOTGA.

No one’s exempted from having their own.

If you’re wondering what TOTGA means, it’s an acronym for “the one that got away” and today I’ll be telling you the story of my TOTGA.

I never thought in a million years that I’d have one. I guess I never saw myself as the kind of person who would have one. Well, surprise surprise. Life has a funny way of proving us wrong, including me.

He was everything I ever wanted.

Very family-oriented, cared about people, kind, active in the church community, athletic. And did I mention he also had a passion for dancing? But the thing that attracted me the most to him was his attitude, not just to me but to other people as well. He showed me, during the course of our short, tumultuous relationship that he respected me as a woman and for who I am.

We were thirteen when we first met.

He told me he liked me then, but he was with someone else. I ended up being with another person, but I never thought of anything serious about his feelings because we were so young. And besides, the way he told me about it made it seem like he was messing with me so any amount of seriousness was out the window.

We were fourteen when we decided to see what’s in store for us.

It didn’t end well. I chose someone else over you for some insane reason that I’d never understand. To this day, I still can’t forget the look on your face when I told you that I was with someone else. Your facial expression that’s imprinted on my mind will haunt me forever. How can I hurt such a perfect guy?

I never said that I wanted you to stop. Maybe it was because I wanted to see how far you’d fight for me — to see how much you’re willing to go. Or maybe because I was being selfish and I missed the attention you used to give me. This backfired so karma’s on me–the relationship ended after a little over a month.

I wanted you back.

I got the help of a friend who was surprisingly rooting for us. I don’t know if it was her unwavering faith that we would get together or my prayers that you finally decided to give us another try. It wasn’t an easy battle for me and I understood why. You wanted to make sure I wouldn’t hurt you again.

But then the universe decided to intervene again and for the second time, we couldn’t be.

We were fifteen when we both decided to give us another try.

This time, I was serious about it. You were, too. The only catch? Everything was done in secrecy: all the dates, holding hands.. basically all forms of intimacy were clandestine. We didn’t want to get caught. We didn’t formally discuss it, but we both knew the reason. I loved our carefully planned dates.

Eventually word got out and we were now a couple to everyone. I guess I liked having you as my secret, it was more intimate so this moment was a turning point for me.

I became very protective of our relationship because suddenly everyone was curious and wanted to know the details. How did you guys get together? When did you start dating? What about one of your best friends who happened to be his ex girlfriend?

The public’s curiosity was understandable, but they don’t need to know everything. The only people who need to know all the details are me and you— the two people in the relationship. A spotlight was casted on us and I didn’t know how to deal with the unwanted attention.

It wasn’t fun for me anymore.

I got bored. The relationship wasn’t interesting to me anymore.

We overcame many obstacles to make this relationship work, you’d think I would think twice before breaking your heart on Christmas day–one month and eight days after we became official.

How cruel of me.

His image of who he thought I was was tainted and nothing will ever be the same.

I didn’t deserve him. I still don’t.

I hope he finds someone who can make him happy and who can give him what he deserves.

That person isn’t me.

I still wish him the best.