Tomorrow is my ‘happy’ birthday

I can´t remember when was my last happy birthday, a completely happy one.

Tomorrow I´m becoming 31 years old. People from work asked me two days ago how was I preparing for that day. I said nothing, I haven’t thinking about it till today. Is not even my birthday yet and I already have two presents, one from my boyfriend and the other one from my mom. I loved both and I´m making use of them since the first day they gave it to me.

- Ok, you have a boyfriend, a family, a work with caring fellas. What´s wrong with you?

I´m sitting in the backyard of my parents’ house. The house behind me has a tall pine. It’s about 5 or 6 times the height of this house which has two floors, and I wondered if it always was that tall. I moved alone a year ago so this house has seen me celebrating my birthday almost 20 times if my memory doesn’t fail, and I do not remember how was most of the things around it. I´m so selfish, I rarely took a time to observe what´s around me most of the time. I only analyze and admire my surroundings when I´m traveling or exercising solo at the park.

Sadly, I remember why I haven’t been happy on each of my birthdays. And sadly, today I´m blaming myself for haven’t done anything to have a happy one. Or maybe because doing it in the wrong way which is almost the same, the result is the same.

- Again, you have a boyfriend who is concerned about your birthday days ago, a family who welcomes you home, friends at work who want you to have a great time. What´s wrong with you?

Tomorrow is going be a great day. Maybe I won´t have a cake at my parents’ home this time but my mom already made a cheesecake for me which can´t be eaten until tomorrow according to her. I will celebrate with my coworkers having lunch together and maybe a cake at noon. I don’t know if I´ll invite my friends at home, there is planned a ‘planton nacional’ and maybe they won´t be able to make it. And yesterday, I bought two diet cokes, I´m realizing that I can drink them with my favorite rum that I have at home.

I´ll be happy in the outside and all the people I care will make me feel happy and will make me laugh, but I still will be concerned about one thing one more time.

Anxiety is a pain in the ass.