Born in a nation full of throwball-loving morons, I am indebted to my dad for instilling in me a love for the beautiful game. He taught me how to play, subscribed to all the TV packages, and never missed one of my games. Recently, I paid off my debt.

With no respect for my personal safety or my bank account, I met a dude from Reddit at a bar in Boston and paid for the promise of tickets to Chile’s group stage match against Spain. They arrived in the mail the day after I left for Chile. Don’t forget to bring the tickets with you to Rio, Papi!