On forgetting

There was a time where my prime goal when parting ways with people who were exiting my life was to forget. Eternal-sunshine type of shit. The permanent absence of a memory made me giddy. I’d fantasize about that Men in Black neuralyzer being flashed in my face or my ceiling fan falling on my head (that’s morbid and I apologize) and me just starting life again from scratch sans that memory or person. If that happened though I think I’d be really dumb that next go around in life because in hindsight the process of learning how to read is terrifying. How did I learn and fully grasp that island isn’t pronounced like is-land and why was I ok with that senseless logic? That’s nuts. I’m impressed with us all. Anyways-how sweet would that be? To not have to experience this ball of anxiety that sits in my stomach when having to consciously ignore a memory or a person who surrounds it. Fantastic. I’m notoriously a hardass but vulnerability isn’t a new concept for me it’s exposing that side of me as a person that most certainly is. Recently, instead of bypassing feelings or memories I get on my heart’s surfboard and ride those bad boys out. I mean look at me breaking the fourth wall in my brain and talking to whoever cares to read my words on this. Progress. The act of “ignoring” is hard for most people but it’s always come naturally to me. Maybe that stems from doing things like falling off my bike when I was a kid or my older brothers dislocating my arm several times and my parents telling me the purpose of injuries or getting hurt were to help me grow. ‘Eso es para crecer! It’s ok brush it off Jenny!” (No, you can’t call me Jenny unless we are friends. Back up.) I’ve carried this tactic with me ever since and it’s served me well for the most part. Having the ability to not dwell in life has been the ultimate weapon for me in several stages of my life. It’s the uzi beneath my trench coat and mastering it has saved me lots of time. Simultaneously, this immunity has acted as a boundary for me. Numbing yourself and stopping your body from experiencing what it organically wants to can be harmful. I’d go as far as to say that depending on the level that you’re doing this at it can be considered an act of self-inflicted mental abuse. The worst part about ignoring something in your life is that you’re not dealing with it, you’re just ignoring it so the possibility that it will haunt you eventually is very likely. It’s not always fun revisiting things inside my head but sometimes it is. I have found myself smiling more often then I initially thought I would. The realization that everything is temporary makes it easier to digest when things don’t go the way you’d hope because the feeling of gratitude for getting to experience it in the first place overpowers that creeping bitterness that tends to lurk in the shadows. Forgetting has always been easy for me, but dealing with things has proven to be more rewarding in some cases. I feel like I’m finally breathing. It should be noted however, that I will still drop a pin and verbally(?) annihilate anyone who comes for me I just don’t feel this urge as often. Baby steps y’all, baby steps.