Standing Apart and Alone
I stand apart and alone more than ever, forced into the open and the clear, because the home I built dissolved into myth. Whereas, I had such mastery of my long endeavoured construct, my carefully designed delusion and illusions to navigate the troubled land and waters of life, I have found myself stumbling across rough stones and drowning in seas of darkness. This is my new constant and concern.
Bewitched by sudden truth that stubbornly refuses to move on, this stays with me as much as the spine stays in my body, as much as the air I breath. I stand ramrod reflecting on what I now possess an inexorable amount of emptiness, amassed by impromptu failures and the burdens of consequence. Eyes readjust not to the leave of light, but the deluge of it, the vast space that I am supposed to fill and conduct new beginnings in, if only I knew where north was, or at first could answer, if there really is a north.
Such questions deserve an answer, but often are never arrived at in real-time, but are a collusion of fragments hailing from the past, that now only seed doubt in asking if it is at all possible for me to chart courses for a new or better me. Who was the fool that thought I could do so? Can anyone point him out to me? I doubt he would protest at this assignation. He, arrested by such thought, would set forth the terms of my punishment and imprisonment: live within it, until he can’t live without out, until the poison becomes the blood.
It is only a man of doubt that would see truth as poison, and advertise as so, for all to see his suffering, and hopefully come to his aid. Such luck would not befall him. Rescuing is for victims, not for the enlightened, even though those who have felt it can and would say they have been stricken by truth.
I think it is God’s only gift…truth that is. It was not life but the existence of truth, for that can last longer than the body ever will. It rings before and after time. I exist not for truth but because of it and given such an instrument, I can do no less than wield it with as much power and humility as I can, until these hands weaken, so that those after me and with me have something that has my signature on it, and not my resignation from and against life.