An Introduction

So I decided to start a blog. I’m not sure what I’m going to end up doing on this blog, or what exactly I’m going to talk about, or even if anyone will read it. Frankly, I don’t care. I’m not doing this for anyone else, I’m doing this for myself. An online journal, of sorts. I’m not even sure if I’m going to tell my friends and family I’m doing this.

But anyway, I’m a sophomore in college, living with three really close friends of mine and my dog. It’s going well so far, I greatly appreciate my roommates and their friendship. However, I think I have quite a few problems. I’m pretty lazy and will leave clean clothes unfolded for days, my room is a bit of a mess, and I’d rather play video games or watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine or whatever show I’m obsessed with at the time than do anything productive. I don’t have a job and am barely making rent by getting money from my parents, but they’re tired of providing for me, so I will have to get that job soon.

This semester has been very financially stressful, but in a way, I’m glad I haven’t gotten a job this semester. While I’ve been financially worried most of the semester, I’ve been improving myself in a lot of other aspects. I started going to counseling for social anxiety and mild depression. We have a group session that meets once a week on Thursdays, although that’s done for the semester, I believe it’s supposed to continue next semester. I found a church home at my college town called The Orchard. It’s a Methodist church, and while I was raised Baptist, it’s the church I’m the most comfortable with here. I’ve started praying and reading my Bible more often, and I’ve started being more active in Young Life on campus. Additionally, I’m starting to take some of my hobbies more seriously, as I’ve started going to some Super Smash Bros. tournaments this semester, and I’m constantly improving.

I don’t want to make this too long, but I’m going to get into why I’ve felt the need to improve myself and why I decided counseling was needed. First, one of my best friends, Braedon Barnett, died in June of 2014, the summer before I left for college. I was really close with him, and his mom asked me to be one of his pallbearers. It hit me really hard, but I’m just now starting to deal with it. Until earlier this semester, I’ve been shutting it out and ignoring it, rather than mourning and acknowledging it. I also have some social anxiety, and have trouble talking to people I don’t know. I’m petrified to approach people, and this is probably why I haven’t been in a relationship in 4+ years. I’m in a fraternity, and when we have events with other people (i.e. swaps or open parties) I usually stick to myself more than not. When it comes to my friends, I sometimes feel irrelevant or inadequate. I’m one of the only people from my hometown to come to this college, and I don’t really interact with any of the others that came with me. I only talk to <8 people from my hometown. When I am home, I feel like I don’t belong. Union City has changed so much in such a short time, and everyone at my old high school has continued their lives and things are changing without me. When I do see them, even if we were on friendly terms, it’s usually just a smile and a “hey how’ve you been?” and that’s pretty much it. As for at my college, I feel like I get left out a lot and if I do go somewhere, I feel like a tag-a-long more than anything, although I felt the tag-a-long thing before college as well. I’ll find out some of my roommates or other friends went out and hung out somewhere without me, and I wonder why I wasn’t invited. This all stems from some self esteem issues, but I don’t know why I have those issues, which leads to me realizing I can’t do this on my own. Counseling is offered for free by my university, so I figured I had nothing to lose. But, I’ve made this way too long already with no clear point, so I’ll end it here.