a Breakup Story

It was easy, I want to let it go, so I write.

Few weeks ago, I broke up with my former boyfriend. I was the one who put it to an end. It was not because I no longer love him, but it was a long accumulated decision that I had to make. After one and a half year dating him, I finally had the gut to say ‘no’ and made my position clear in the relationship that I had. At last, I could set myself free from the whole mechanism of a relationship.

However, it was not until today that I found myself almost regretting the decision I had made. I suddenly felt that I was a fool; letting go what once was full of hope and dreams of future. It was the memories of happy days and the surge of warm feeling inside my chest that had triggered this uncomfortable feeling. After all, it was a broke up, no one likes to, willingly, let go what once they held dear.

“Why is this person here talking about a boring breaking up story?”

“Everyone has gone through it. Accept it.”

Well, I agree on the idea that everyone has gone through a break up before. The one-sided one, the painful one, the my-parents-wanted-me-to one, you name it. Though it is a common occurrence in one’s life, it might have different impact on every person. A break up cannot be taken as lightly as “you’ll get over it soon” responses. It is more, but also less.

During my last relationship, I felt like it was an emotional roller-coaster ride, and I was not ready for it. He was a dim night light when the first time we met. He did not stand out between the crowd but noticeable for me to recognize his existence. I was not sure if it was admiration of his serious expression when the first time I spotted him, or it was just gut feeling saying that I had found the person I was looking for. I guessed it was the latter. However, we were going through several phases that I could say was unstable and child-like for people around our age; but we managed to survive and learned from the experiences. In the end, I questioned myself for having to listen to blood-rushing decision that I had made; and I was just not ready for a more secure and stable relationship with him.

The reasonable ground was that I found myself emptying my own feeling toward him. I guessed, I am changing from time to time. It was on me, and not him. Once I found my path to my future, I set myself to move quicker towards it, but at the same time, I forgot that I was walking with him. I paced up too fast, and he was trying to keep up. My head said to walk even faster, but my heart asked me to slowdown. It was a hard decision. I went for a long walk by myself to reconsider things. After days, I found out that I was no longer communicating the same language as we had before, I did not make time to greet him in the morning and saying good night while I definitely had time to do it, and if anything, I was dragging him along. I was so indulged that I forgot he was there. Then, I set myself to push him to pursue his dream while preparing to let go.

As egoistic as it may sound, I needed to take action on what should be done before it was too late. Unfortunately, the consequences might be more on his side rather than mine. After my responsibility to support him running toward his dream was done, I decided to fully retract myself from him. I was okay, but he was not. At first, it was so hard to explain that we were no longer enjoying the talks we had, or even we started to count the time we spend together. He did not see it coming while I was spotting all the crumbles. It was like explaining physics with a very loud voice but the other person went deaf in an instant. He saw the formulas on the board, he understood what it was for, but he could not spot the mistake and he could not hear what the other tried to appoint to. It was a waste of time and energy; I walked away in the end.

After all, it was my understanding of the consequences once I decided to love someone. I was selfish, cruel and heartless for what I did to him; I know. Nevertheless, I always embrace the idea of committing to someone is to accept the worst that might happen. The unwanted change of situation and — of course — a painful separation. Separation might be the last option that people choose to go with when it comes to a relationship. Personally, I let myself to be conscious about it. The form of separation can be deciding to put it to an end, choosing to walk away or even death. I just save myself for the additional pain and delusion that it might last forever. For me, nothing is, and we need to accept the fact that we are powerless against it.

Separation is the worst acquaintance, which I had the chance to make. I never like her, but I cannot help to notice that she is always watching. One time when she had the chance to snatch away a person from me, I noticed that while I was whimpering in pain, she coldly brushed her shoulder and walked back to the corner; leaving me to my devastation. Since then, I realized that she was powerful while I was vulnerable. I promised to myself that, the next time, I need to face her with a calm demeanor, thus I can greet her while hiding the grimace on my face. I am recruiting her into my loop. Therefore, I will always be aware of her presence.

The fact that I am leaving someone, or maybe the people I love were leaving me behind, does not make me love them any lesser. If anything, they will always have a place in my life, and I never hate them. The kind of love that I treasure for them might be different from its initial form. The romantic feeling might turn into a love to a friend, or maybe the strong powerful feeling can transform into a more mature and tame one. I do not need to have them around me everyday, or even having to contact them every now and then. I just love them, and that is enough for me to send the feeling through the air.

The kind of love that I have is an everlasting one. Though I believe that nothing lasts forever, but love can break down that wall and finds it way. It is both a curse and blessing to feel everything very deeply. “I know many, but choose to love a few”, that is what it has always been and forever be.

You can hate me, but I always love you.