Seeing the world through the eyes of someone else
Everyone is irrational
I used to think that I saw the world the as it is. And anyone who did not agree with my worldview were being unreasonable.
It took me a long time to realize how unreasonable that was.
Human beings are anything but rational. We see the world through our own personal filters. Our genetics, upbringing, education, friends and cognitive biases shape our filters. They color the reality of the world around us. Often we forget the existence of these filters. We make claims based on what we believe to be right or wrong.
But our sense of right or wrong is always subjective.
I grew up in Saudi Arabia. In 6th grade, one of my close friends offered chocolates to me. I was excited and confused at the same time. I asked him, what he was celebrating. He looked at me in the eye with a genuine smile and said, “We won yesterday!”
The date was 9/12/2001.
He was not evil, he was a kind and generous friend. But just like you and me, he was a product of his environment. The filter he used to view the world told him that the 9/11 tragedy was a cause for celebration.
Don’t tell me that we see the world as it is. We never have and never will.
“Once I realized that everyone is irrational, all the time, my life became a lot simpler.” ~ Scott Adams
In 1869, if you tried to convince Joe that women had the right to vote, you would have failed. Your filter would have been incongruent with his worldview. You could yell and bash out at the Joe because he fails to see the world as you do. But, that would not change anything.
If change is what you are after, it requires you to understand the other perspective. It requires you to appeal to him in a way that aligns with his worldview.
You need to be empathetic enough to see the world from his perspective using his worldview, even if you disagree with it. Only then can you show him that using a different filter will not only make his life better but also the people around him.
“You can’t win an argument, because if you lose, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it.
Why? You will feel fine. But what about him?
You have made him feel inferior, you hurt his pride, insult his intelligence, his judgment, and his self-respect, and he’ll resent your triumph. That will make him strike back, but it will never make him want to change his mind.” ~Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People
Empathy is what is what is missing in American politics today, especially after the recent elections. Most conversations seem to unravel into a fierce finger-pointing competition without making any progress. Both sides think they are right and other is wrong. And they get frustrated that the other side is missing the point.
And of course, both sides are right. Not objectively. But both sides are right within the framework of their worldview. Understanding the “truth” from the other side, even if you disagree with it, is essential to move the conversation forward.
“No one says, “I’m going to be unfair to this person today, brutal in fact, even though they don’t deserve it or it’s not helpful.”
Few people say, “I know that this person signed the contract and did what they promised, but I’m going to rip them off, just because I can.”
And it’s quite rare to have someone say, “I’m a selfish narcissist, and everyone should revolve around me merely because I said so.”
In fact, all of us have a narrative. It’s the story we tell ourselves about how we got here, what we’re building, what our urgencies are.
And within that narrative, we act in a way that seems reasonable.
To be clear, the narrative isn’t true. It’s merely our version, our self-talk about what’s going on. It’s the excuses, perceptions and history we’ve woven together to get through the world. It’s our grievances and our perception of privilege, our grudges and our loves.
No one is unreasonable. Or to be more accurate, no one thinks that they are being unreasonable.
Our worldview makes it really difficult to be empathetic, because seeing the world through the eyes of someone else takes so much effort.
It’s certainly possible to change someone’s narrative, but it takes time and patience and leverage. Teaching a new narrative is hard work, essential work, but something that is difficult to do at scale.” ~ Seth Godin
When I am confronted with an opposing worldview, my initial reaction is to convince them that they are wrong. The automatic responses of the lizard brain takes over the moment it senses a threat.
But occasionally I use “Rapoport’s rules” when trying to resolve a conflict. When I do execute it, I often find that I have learned something new and we have made progress in the conversation.
Rapoport’s rules of argument
- Re-express target’s position: You should attempt to re-express your target’s position so clearly, vividly, and fairly that your target says, “Thanks, I wish I’d thought of putting it that way.
- List points of agreement: You should list any points of agreement. Especially if they are not matters of general or widespread agreement.
- Mention anything you learned: You should mention anything you have learned from your target.
- Rebuttal or criticism: Only then are you permitted to say so much as a word of rebuttal or criticism.
We are hardwired to hold on to our beliefs, to be loyal to our tribe because loyalty used to an important survival mechanism for our ancestors. It is because of the same reason that we never respond well when we are challenged. Our automatic responses have evolved through millions of years of evolution and cannot be easily broken.
Once we realize that most of what we do is driven by our sub-conscious, we can make an concerted effort to override our automatic responses. We can choose to be disloyal to our ideas, even if it is just for a few minutes, to view the world using our opponents filter.
Everyone is irrational. Learning to tolerate other’s irrationality with the same grace as we do with ours is the first step towards productive conversation.
Whether it is in politics, relationships or work, we need to see the world from the other person’s perspective to make the change we seek to make in the world.
