Talking is Permission and Recognition

What happens when we talk? You might instantly think of things like — We yell, We win, We argue, We try to be right, We get what we want, and so on. However, it is a lot simpler than that and understanding the two underlying reasons that a majority of conversations take place can help you become, not only a more effective communicator, but can also save you a lot of time in conversations. Growing-up has a lot to do with taking responsibility for yourself, your actions, your personality, your you. Talking and conversations is the most public version of yourself, so it is vital to understand exactly why we do it.
Alex is a high-school student, only sixteen years of age, but already able to drive herself independently, which means she is able to taxi herself back-and-forth to school each day without the assistance of her moms. This means that, one day, when Alex needed to stay after school to film a video for a project on recognizing sexual harassment for her class, she did not have to create a new schedule for her parents, instead the conversation could be simple and concise.
“Mom, I have to stay after school and film a video for my class tomorrow.” Alex declared to her mom.
“What time do you think you’ll be back?” Her mom questioned.
“Probably six or seven. Depends.”
“Who’ll be there with you?”
“I think the entire class is supposed to stay, and Miss Harding is staying so we can get in-and-out of the equipment closet in her room.” Alex confidently responded.
“Okay, sounds good.” Her mom replied, and that was it.
Conversation over.
What happened in this conversation? Alex inquired, she explained the circumstances to her ask, and she received permission. Permission is the first reason why we engage in conversations with most anyone. It could be permission from a parent or superior to do a task independently, it could be permission from a spouse to make a purchase or plan a trip, maybe it is permission at a bar to buy the prettiest girl a drink and to engage the second type of conversation. Permission makes up more than half of all of our conversations throughout the day. Knowing this can help us cut-out a lot of unneeded small talk or even whole conversations.

When seeking permission in situations, the first thing we have to try to accomplish, for ourselves, is whether or not the permission is necessary. Remember that most often it is better to simply seek forgiveness rather than trying to ask for permission. You do not often hear people speaking about their success by starting with an act of permission, although many people seek that permissive validation to begin things constantly. Do you think Bill Gate’s would have been as successful, if he asked permission to sift through garbage bins to find the schematics for the computer keyboard? No. Do you think Tim Ferris would have become a World Class tango dancer in Argentina before returning to the states to write about those such experiences to the tune of critical-acclaim and New York Times Best Selling success? No. When seeking permission follow these three criteria before continuing:
- Is permission for this mandatory or obligatory?
a. Meaning simply, is this something like charging $10,000 to your businesses credit card that is over your departments budget or is it you asking your spouse if you can eat a soft taco before dinner because you’re starving. - Is the result worth the time consumed seeking permission?
a. Basically, are you trying to seek permission for something that seems relatively taxing on your time — say seeking permission to use NBA basketball footage in your stores local sneaker commercial, or is it relatively simply, like seeking a permit for construction on an apartment building project for your company. - If you do not get permission, is there still a way to move forward with the ask?
a. Often times we seek permission, because we are also looking for the second part of what conversations are all about, but we have to come to a conclusion as to whether or not the task would still be viable without permission. Most often a task can be completed, if it is important to you without receiving certain permissions, and if it is then it may be worth it to forgo seeking permission and instead jumping right into accomplishing your goals.
Permission is only half of the conversation dance that everybody plays, and the other part of it is often what takes up more of our time in talking than anything else. The other side of most conversations is a seeking of approval or recognition from another person or group of people.
Recognition is entirely about somebody else acknowledging us to reassure our own validity and existence. We do this constantly, often without noticing it. Something as simple as having no supposed agenda, but text every active conversation thread in your phone with a morning, “Hey” to see which friends bite the bait and respond is 100% an act of recognition to make sure you are still valid and important in others lives. Recognition is by no means a bad or useless things, and in many ways it helps keep us balanced and sane (Cabin Fever is a real thing after all), but understanding why we seek recognition can help us pare back on the need and desire to seek it so frequently, which can lead to less fruitfully wasted time in your day.

Most of us seek recognition for validation in any given context. Business, job security, school, relationships, etc. There is a reason why certain people in classrooms, who already know every answer, still continue to ask menial questions, and it is entirely for the recognition of their own progress in that course, to reassure themselves that they know what they know. Adulthood is more than being spoon-fed recognition though, or at least it should be if you looked to make the most of yours. In previous chapters we spoke about the idea of time and how it moves slower and faster depending on how you format and mix-up your daily habits and tasks. The same rigors should be applied to deciding when you need recognition in conversation and talking.
Often times, a conversation with the clear, but unconscious goal of obtaining recognition can be strung out over the course of four or five hours before delivering the desired result. Through a long series of small talk, Bitmoji’s, complaints, and “Hahahaha” moments we do not even realize how much time is wasted over the course of the day with replying and thinking of all the ways to carry on the conversation. There is a really good theory to practice by Time Urban of the blog Wait But Why in which he breaks down days into 100 blocks, and it is a good practice to take his chart and for one week write-down every time you sit down at your phone to read and respond to conversations. You’ll be surprised how that quick text message can add up throughout the day.
So when is seeking recognition good and when is it bad? Well, a good rule of thumb is to start by asking yourself, before every conversation, What do I want from this person? We are absolutely lying to ourselves if the answer is “I just want to focus on them.” Do not pass Go and do not collect $100. Draw another card. I am not saying we all are selfish innately, but at the same time I am. If you want to know how someone else is doing, then understand that you are looking recognition as a trusted shoulder in their life and you’re looking to be afforded a sense of importance. Maybe the answer is even simpler, maybe you want recognition that you are missed. Any way you answer this question, it is going to help you cut down on stray limbs in the conversation and red herrings. Focusing your conversations to reap the ultimate reward in the least amount of words does not have to become a cold or dissociative task, but instead can make you a better communicator as well, because you will start finding that you give the other person what they want in the conversation quicker, in order to get yours.
Another important question to ask is, Is the recognition worth the cost? Essentially, for the amounted value of time and energy you are going to expend trying to juice out the recognition you require from someone, is it worth setting off on that endeavor in the first place? Let’s say you are single, yet you are looking for recognition that you are still attractive, wanted, and able to get romantic attention from others. Let’s then say you have four active conversations with four different suitors who have all at least shown a vague interest in showing that recognition to you; however, this is on a spectrum, as some are harder to get compliments from and others are simple. Do you spend the same amount of time on each person or do you give each a misappropriated amount of time to get to what you want? Usually, we give the person being the most difficult the most attention, and we give the one most interested the least attention. That is because you already got what you wanted from the willing, and your ego is forcing you to waste time on the others. Call it playing hard-to-get or nice guys finish last, but save that Pick-Up Artist/Dating advice for another blog. A huge part of growing up is balancing willingness against worth to come up with a whole value to determine the best choices — especially in conversations.
Hopefully you can take these questions and implement them in your evaluations of conversations day-to-day, because I guarantee that what you will find, almost instantly, is that a lot of the time you spend on your phone, in conversations, and talking in-general is highly-inefficient. This article and the ultimate goal of acknowledging these core traits or expectations is to help yourself grow, and help you evolve your relationships with others. Creating longer and more fulfilling conversations with people, rather than disparate conversations that waste hours. Allowing you to see that adulthood is a lot about quality over quantity, and getting to the meat and potatoes of life rather than flailing blindly at a piñata that inevitably has candy that you don’t even want to eat once you strike it against its side. Give yourself permission to be clear, concise, and goal-oriented in your pursuit to become an effective communicator.
