A lot of thoughts

I usually have a lot to say about one thing. But today everything at once just smashed down and pushed me to the ground and was like Ha! Gotcha bitch!

Nah, I usually don’t mind it. But, today I just can’t stop thinking about everything. It’s usually when I find a new song that I can relate to. When I feel what the singer says and the lyrics and just the meaning itself, I get all nostalgic, jittery, and scared. I find it funny when at first, the song has zero relation to what I’m actually going through at first. And then you start listening to the lyrics deeply and more intently. And you realize that it’s actually exactly the thing you’re going through at the moment. And at no point in your life could some being put this song into your life at this particular moment to be heard over and over and over again until you start crying by how relatable it is.

It brought up a lot of me just wanting to know how it feels to love someone. I think as an adolescent, that’s hard to admit because you’re deemed as some hoe or slut, even though I’ve literally done nothing. I honestly love to give. I love to love. I’m honestly so terrified and scared of loving someone. But, it’s so different when you’re actually talking and falling for someone. The notion of loving someone seems so abstract and we’re so unprepared for it. Beyond my anxiety, I just want someone to let me love them. And I feel like I only have that to prove something. I want to prove that I can love someone, and can keep someone, and can be good to someone, and not fuck up like my parents did. That’s what’s so damn screwed up about all of this. That this could be some underlying thing of why I want to love. But I really want to love because I just think she’s absolutely wonderful, and I just want her to let us try this out at the least…

The other trippy thing about today is making eye contact with someone who I used to love. I made eye contact with someone who I used to love and didn’t realize that I used to freak out in moments like that. I used to freeze and feel my hard stutter, and skip beats. I used to feel the pain in my chest rise down from my lungs, causing me to stop breathing for a second. And fuck, that’s just from eye contact itself. It’s because that’s all we ever had. What we saw in our eyes, what we saw beyond our eyes, that’s how we communicated and never actually tried and figured out how we felt about each other. Never took the time for each other. The what ifs, god, are so endless, if for once, he would’ve noticed me beyond what’s in my eyes.

My little heart has been broken, and damn I’m only so young. But, this is the start of it all, isn’t it? My long journey for acceptance, and reciprocated love. Some things people don’t find until later, or may never find at all.

I don’t like that when I write, I tend to write more about love. Because that’s not the only thing that’s on my mind and I think I do it because love, god love is the most complicated thing in the world. And I barely freaking understand it at all. It’s purpose to provide more good energy into the world? Into each other? Creating more love and giving more love to people?

Too many thoughts… And with too many thoughts causes a rope in my brain to tie into several knots yet to be untangled by my hands once again. Isn’t this rope tired of being knotted everytime? Is that what causes headaches in the back of my head? Stress ones that pound the back of my brain with just a bunch of BS? Idk. Too many thoughts.

-JLD

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