It was something in the sound of his chuckle that made her realize all at once just how close he was to her at that moment. The smell of his shampoo and his aftershave was enveloping her. His voice, though quiet at this late hour, was as clear as crystal in her mind, and suddenly his presence was all she could think about.

Their conversation paused briefly, as if he could sense this new realization. He looked at her questioningly. “What?” he asked.

She took a breath, held it for a moment, and forced herself to look him in the eye. Forced herself to appear normal. “Nothing,” was her casual reply.

The smile left his eyes immediately and his face was suddenly the picture of concern. “Are you okay?” he asked, as he subtly—perhaps even unconsciously—moved his body even closer.

She pressed a smile onto her face, one she hoped would appear genuine. “I’m fine. Really. No need to worry.”

“Okay.”

But he wouldn’t stop looking at her.

Finally, she spoke again. She had to. “It’s just that sometimes, when you’re near me like this, I get the strongest urge to . . . to kiss you.” She paused again, watching his reaction briefly before continuing. Her voice rose in her nervousness, her speech quickening with her racing heartbeat. “I know, I know you don’t see me that way. I get it. And usually I’m just fine. But then there are other times—not often, but just sometimes—when I can’t think of anything else. It’s not some huge, terrible pain anymore. I’ve worked through all that mess. Just, sometimes . . . I remember that we don’t always get what we want. Just makes me a little wistful, I guess.” She finally stopped, sounding almost relieved though her face was flushed and she was no longer meeting his gaze.

His response was quiet, thoughtful. “How do you know what I want?”

She nearly laughed in his face. “You told me a long time ago that you thought of me as a friend rather than a lover. I thought that was pretty clear.”

“People change.”

She looked up and noticed the intensity with which he was looking at her. She met his eyes with equal force.

He spoke again. “All I really know—all I’ve ever known—is . . . ,” his voice trailed off. It was his turn to fidget uncomfortably. “. . . I can’t lose you.”

“You know that will never happen.”

“No, I really don’t know that!” His voice was suddenly much louder, filled with confusion and something a lot like terror. “Think of the people I’ve loved in my life. I believed each of them when they said they’d never leave me. But they did anyway. How do I know you won’t do the same thing?”

In spite of herself, she reached out and put her hand on his arm. “Have I ever said or done anything to make you think that?”

He couldn’t look her in the eye. “No,” was all he could manage.

She was bolder now. She took his hands in hers. “There have been a couple of times where, if I’d had any sense at all, I’d have forced myself to step away. To not be around you so much. To allow myself to heal.” He looked up and met her eyes, as if trying to gauge her emotions and the truth of her words. “I was hurting for a long time. I tried so hard not to love you. But I can’t do it. As long as I’m here, and you’re here, I love you.” She paused for a moment. “Even if you don’t love me.”

“I do love you.”

“ ‘As a friend’,” she reminded him bitterly, almost accusingly.

“That’s what I keep telling myself.”

“How about telling me the truth?” She was finally surprised at her own boldness.

He looked at her for a long moment. The silence between them reverberated in its own way, almost more forcefully than any words they had actually spoken.

Finally, he broke that silence. “I just can’t lose you.” He sounded defeated.

“You won’t,” she repeated, squeezing his hands.

“I can’t risk it.” His voice was close to breaking.

“There is nothing to risk.” Her voice was firm and steady, but gentle. “I’ve already made you that promise. I’m not going anywhere. No matter what happens.”

“I thought maybe you’d forgotten.” His voice was very quiet now.

“I could never forget a promise like that.”

They looked at each other for a long moment. Then they moved together, his lips found hers, and they were joined in a kiss they would each remember as simply indescribable.