Never ending nightmare

Mommy!! Mommy!!

I’m screaming as loud as I can but nobody seems to hear me.

He keeps pushing her, keeps punching her. Will he ever stop? I know what will happen next, but I still hope I am wrong. I still find myself praying that it goes a different way.

It doesn’t. I cannot will it to be different, I cannot pray enough to end the torture. All I can do is watch as her head crashes into the sharp corner on the wooden waterbed.

I always try to wake myself up before this happens, but it never fails, I just cannot wake up.

No matter how hard I try to avoid witnessing it, I always hear the crack that sends shivers through me. I always watch the blood spray from her head and hear the screams that could wake the dead. I’m not even sure if it is me screaming or her.

Again I try desperately to wake myself up, to no avail. Why does my mind want me to watch this scene unfold? Why does my brain insist on reliving this moment over and over again? I’m so little in this dream, maybe three or four years old. It makes me wonder how many years I have been having this horrible nightmare.

Here I am, 15 years old, watching my mom being placed on a gurney and put into an ambulance for the millionth time. Watching myself, my small little face, with the most desperate, most afraid expression I have ever seen. I continue to see the tears flowing like hot lava from my little baby eyes every night. Every night for as long as I can remember.

Finally I wake up, shaking so hard you would think there was an earthquake. Reaching my hand to my face I feel the very real tears running down my cheeks, the puddle of tears that already freed themselves from my swollen eyes soaking through my pillow. I want to scream, I want it to stop. When will this nightmare leave my subconscious?