
2018 Apple Event Script [EYES ONLY DRAFT]
Tim Cook in Tim Cook Voice: OH, and one more thing. <wait for applause><move arms away from torso in friendly, human gesture. Move facial muscles> Apple has been on the frontier of technology for decades. We’ve pioneered the personal music device with our iPod. We pushed the boundaries of portable computing with the MacBook & MacBook pro. We expanded the way we interact and learn with the iPad. We think you’re really going to like what we have in store for you next…
<lights go down. play high production video plays that starts with black. audience hears “Also Sprach Zarathustra” (2001 space odyssey) play loudly. space/tech porn video plays narrarated by jony ive. video explains literally nothing>
Tim Cook in Tim Cook Voice: Today, we’re announcing that we’re pushing our boundary out past our world. Every Apple executive will board our one-of-a-kind spacecraft that will speed us away from this dying planet. Using our proprietary anti-gravity & faster than light – or FTL – technology we will be fulfilling Steve Job’s dream of becoming an extraterrestrial! <move arms away from torso. wait for applause> Tomorrow at 8am Cupertino time, our cleverly disguised “Mothership” will disengage from its dock and launch into outer space. We’re calling it “Terra X”<move arms away from torso. wait for applause>. After three months of gradual acceleration the ship will be moving at 70% the speed of light and will have already passed Saturn. How do we know it will work? Let’s Facetime Joni, who is on a prototype right now somewhere in the Oort Cloud!<move arms away from torso. wait for applause. pull out iphone XS from pocket and touch screen>Hello Jony! I hope you’re feeling _relatively_ good so far!<move facial muscles>
Jony Ive in crackly Jony Ive voice: _hello tim_…
