State of the Union 2018 — Full Script!
CONFIDENTIAL: From our Secret Society — A Gushing Liberal Leak!
Dear President Trump,
In writing your State of the Union 2018 Speech, I seriously-strenuously-strived to channel your Supreme Leader — strongman-persona in a manner which I know you’ll appreciate. I need YOU to FEEL AUTHENTIC, while speaking MY words.
~ Jeff Black, Chief Speech Writer for The Trump Administration
P.s. — Donny, I think you’ll LOVE this Frank Zappa song — just like Paul Ryan loves the music of #RATM — “Rage Against The Machine. You are rebel’s with an amazing and great cause. Rock-on, Soul-less Brother Trump!
Frank Zappa, “Dumb All Over”
And when his humble TV servant
with humble white hair
and humble glasses
and a nice brown suit
and maybe a blonde wife who takes phone calls,
tells us our god says it’s ok to do this stuff,
then we gotta do it
’Cause if we don’t do it we ain’t ‘Gwine up to Hebbin’
Good Evening My Fellow Americans,
As your most successful & NOT WEAK at ALL, guaranteed Three-Term very stable President — I have drawn huge sand-lines across everything in this great Christian Nation of historically high-quality immigrants like the Irish, English, French-Women and Germans.
The Good People on BOTH sides of the Holocaust Disagreement didn’t have Trump to negotiate a very, very profitable and good deal — so they needed a fresh start on the perfect American shores we so GREATLY discovered. Great American’s knew, WE would FOREVER heavily outnumber The Jews. Therefore, WE great citizens of Earth’s GREATEST COUNTRY, generously welcomed THEM onto OUR shores. As Jews’ very, VERY-small hands made them less-likely to STEAL and RAPE than immigrants from larger-handed — Big-League Countries — we graciously ignored Jews as much as humanly possible. America still CONTINUES that GREAT Melting-Pot Legacy TODAY, under My Great Trump Administration’s Mensch-like Leadership. It’s a shifty LIBERAL LIE that I don’t love the Jews, every bit as much as the Jews love Trump! Ivanka loves Jews too. The Trump Family has ALWAYS been AMAZING about the diversity of people that serve us with a good ATTITUDE— and having a minority like Jared in our family puts our money where our great mouths are.
Those funny Channukka-Hat-Beanies made Jews VERY, very easy to watch CLOSELY — so any potential threats to the safety of OUR sanctuary-less streets, were quickly QUASHED by the wonderful public servants and Patriotic “Pinkertons” that BRAVELY shook insubordinate malcontents down for protection money. Those same great principles of STRONG Economic Freedom are alive still today. They will fruitfully-multiply and blossom, for the long duration of my Great Presidency!
Our modern-day Pinkertons know how to MOVE an ECONOMY forward, and my Militarized Domestic Policing Force will join them in a unified march along the electrified rails of America’s great Pinkerton Legacy! As highly-paid mercenaries, with highly-ambitious and admirable American Ingenuity — My tanks and military hardware will GLEAM on our GREAT AMERICAN Streets, and not only look tremendous — but also bring AMAZING benefits to My Trump Economic Engine! Never doubt Trump. We will be GREATER than EVER before — and we will win, win and WIN some more. Then come back and take the scraps from the stupid losers that pissed me off. “Don’t fuck with Trump” would be a great NEW slogan for America, but I’ll let KellyAnne figure out just HOW she wants to use it.
I know you’re probably TIRED of WINNING, already — and YOU ARE MOST very, VERY Welcome on behalf of our entire Star-Spangling American Regime-Team! Now, back to the IMPORTANT BUSINESS of our Nation, on this One-Year Anniversary of My Regime’s great RISE-to-GLOBAL-DOMINANCE!
As for the malicious FAKE-Rumor, that some very, VERY STUPID person in one of my ALWAYS-GREAT Meetings lied about & LEAKED — That very-stupid-someone said, THAT I SAID “I want to PERSONALLY kick my annoying Jew Son-In-Law off the roof of my VERY Tall and Fantastic Trump Tower — while high-fiving old-SHuckabee and my sweet, sweet, lovely KellyAnne.”
In reality — Stephen Miller and I were having a very PRIVATE conversation about my LATE-GREAT property-owning father, and HIS favorite old-timey New York City hobbies. I STILL long for those wonderful days, when as a brilliant child, in a happy young FAMILY — we joked about such funny things, and drove such HUGE Profits for The Trump Organization.
When we say #MAGA, I want YOU to feel like you’re a part of OUR Trump Family. Eric is your brother. He’s a good kid — little creepy — but okay. Don Jr. is the best pal you’ve never had and will surely some-day rise to being almost as great as me. Ivanka — I don’t have to tell YOU about Ivanka! Melania and Barron are everything to me — and take care of My Entire Amazing Trump Tower when I work for free — for you — because I LOVE America more than anyone that has ever lived, beside Jesus Christ Himself. Jesus is a HUGE America Guy and Trump will never let Jesus down. Please bow your head with me. Special… Very, very Special. Thank you America, for that moment. I’ve also been reminded of Tiffany — another child I had once, with a VERY HOT young model.
At the SAME TIME, I was chained to HOT-Ivanka’s aging mother. It had to be new MODEL time for Donald! James Bond never drove in the SLOW lane, and neither has Trump. I don’t even drive. How’s that for a “Classic James Bond Playboy” type like me? Jeffrey Epstein, whom I BARELY EVEN KNEW — told me she was a “World-Class Piece!” Let me tell YOU — Epstein knew from what he was SPEAKING. A DOG, I tell you — A fucking D-O-G! Being so HANDSOME, allows ME help YOU. Great! Of course.
To support me — many of YOU — in my AMAZING #MAGA-Army, selflessly missed time from VERY-HIGH Paying Executive Careers — or even CHURCH Activities— to support me on Election Day 2016! You voted for Trump, OF COURSE — but more importantly — YOU, my MAGA-Family, faithfully cast your GODLY VOTES, before PATRIOTICALLY WATCHING all surrounding brown people, for any sudden or suspicious movements. Safety is Trump and Trump is SAFETY. How do you feel? Great — Right?
We won! But YOU KNOW LYING DEMOCRATS — there’s no other kind, folks — Trump KNOWS — they STILL cheated. You can’t keep a winner DOWN, and there’s NOTHING wrong with ME still being a desirable PLAYBOY! Women have ALWAYS wanted Donald J. Trump, but YOU ALREADY know that!
The Conservative, Christ-Following Leadership of America’s GREAT Public Institutions of the HIGHEST possible learning ever possible— like Reverend President Jerry Falwell Jr’s Liberty University — have provided generous and GODLY Air-Cover for My Administration, since the time when I was a young CHILD bouncing on my very GREAT Daddy’s knee.
HOW MUCH do you LOVE Trump? You don’t care if I kill people — and I DO! Details and names don’t matter — this is about our American Economic super-charged NASCAR-like nitro-pumping engine of growth! I love NASCAR, and I feel like WE are REALLY, really connecting tonight. It’s great, right? Like we’re becoming really, really trusting of me now.
Don’t doubt my really strong and very MANLY “Street-Cred.” Stephen Miller made that term up, and absolutely I LOVE IT. “STREET-CRED!” Don’t believe the FAKE NEWS telling you we’re not having a GREAT time while Making America Great Again. I laugh almost CONSTANTLY.
It’s called strategy and I’m a very AMAZING GENIUS at it. Finally, I’m proud that our insufficient military budget is sufficient to wisely fund a MISSION-CRITICAL Ad Campaign, featuring some REALLY COOL and Arab-Ass-Kicking TV-Commercials during next week’s Super-Bowl. Go Army! Marine Strong! Navy… meh — and the Air Force is for pussies, but the planes are SWEET.
GO PATRIOTS! Am I right?
I’ve always been a sports-loving man-of-the-people — and I will be personally THRILLED to attend America’s Amazing Super Bowl in the State of Minneapolis, as your very PROUD President. I do have to leave after the Kick-Off however, to attend a prayer retreat in Florida — but my HEART will be on the playing field with all the great players that aren’t whining, shitty-little Treasonous Ass-Wipes. Spoiled rich athlete BABIES piss me off! They get TONS of tail too, and I’ve heard their WIVES don’t even care. Fame is very, very important — that’s obvious. My Legendary Star-Power is now working for you! Again — have you EVER seen a deal that good?
With proper MARKETING — which I do AMAZINGLY well — my ADMINISTRATION will ensure that NO AMERICAN CITIZEN will EVER feel comfortable or SAFE in criticizing My Regime’s Foreign Policy, our strong and righteous Republican leadership— or the MANY necessary— very, very NECESSARY Wars that require MY (potentially) — unending Presidency. I won’t ever leave you SAD, POOR and IGNORANT, like Obama. You can LOVE ME, as long as I shall live. That’s a TRUMP Promise — The BEST kind of promise EVER.
My Personal Physician told me I could live EVEN LONGER than the World-Record Giant Tortoise and Senate Majority Leader — The HONORABLE and WONDERFUL Mitch McConnell. That’s like 200-years! Kentucky is TRULY America’s Heartland! Romney kept going ON and ON and ON — about how Jesus was born there. Whatever. He’s so damn lame and stuffy. I jerked his chain at dinner, like a puppy-punching-psychopath walking a Pit-Bull. Down BOY! Ha. Pussy!
“Don’t fuck with Trump!”
“Don’t fuck with Trump!”
“Don’t fuck with Trump!”
You are truly GREAT Americans. How much better is this State of the Union thing when lying Democrats stay home to cry with their “CONSTITUENTS.” Patsies! Jesus — they’ll never get anything done, while wasting daylight with the idiots that voted for me. Leadership is strong, decisive and often pretty brutal — which I LOVE! Police love me and I will never leave them without enough weapons and funding to REALLY enjoy their occupation of American streets. Overtime is just a bonus! Work as much as you want to — HEROES!
Do you ever watch “Girl-Fights,” on YouTube? Hi-lar-i-ous! Really! SHuckabee said I couldn’t retweet fight videos any more because the internet was completely plugged by a subversive Secret Society Plot. And Gowdy told me all about it too — he READ the WHOLE file THING back-to-front — but it’s classified. Let us handle it. It’s our job now. Someday, the press won’t be so smug! I told you — I’m a DREAMER too!
You know that smarmy English John Oliver prick, with his stupid gimmick hash-tags? Watch TRUMP now — #ImADreamerToo! Suck-it Frenchy! But seriously — you gotta watch those bitches pull hair!
Remember — on day ONE of my Presidency, I registered for the 2020 General Election! Long-term rulers don’t fuck around and YOU have Trump now! You sent me to Washington D.C. with the biggest mandate in American HISTORY — to GET SHIT DONE — so now shut-the-fuck UP and watch me go! I’ll visit your great state in 2019 — I promise! You’ll see. Until then — I just want you to feel SAFE. SAFER than EVER! Even safer than when the great Ronald Reagan, saved our Iranian Hostages after President Pussy — I mean President Jimmy Carter couldn’t get the job done. He’s no Trump, I’ll tell you. He’s actually still alive and I know he admires me. Who wouldn’t — am I right?
All Americans must remember the great and inspiring American Stories of Godly Conquests for American Land Ownership, and the very high-quality non-shithole immigrants that — LITERALLY — like in a boring, stupid BOOK, spread like an infectious disease across the waving, golden-plains our Great Nation! Brave American-looking men DEFINED the very BORDERS of our ONCE HOSTILE, North American Continent.
North AMERICAN, folks. A-MER-I-CAN! Not “Ameri-Can’t,” as KellyAnne always reminds me, with her annoying-as-fuck but very, very helpful, “INSIDE voice.” Why did the GREAT President George Washington choose that name for OUR Continent AND County — if we were not ALWAYS the most POWERFULLY dominant awesome economy in the world? Answer THAT! “Secret and highly-damaging knowledge is power,” as My Pal Putin likes to say! Have you seen his girlfriend? What I wouldn’t DO to…Vladimir puts on a GREAT show over there. An INCREDIBLE show. We have a great relationship too.
I want to address the controversial subject of American History — including the Weak and Stupid — O-BA-MA — Administration. We will always know, by our devoted and unquenchable FAITH IN GOD — that Barack HUSSEIN OBAMA was an ILLEGAL ALIEN — and a very, very WEAK ILLEGITIMATE President.
THIS, fellow very-Amazing Americans — is WHY we MUST #MAGA!!!
Patriotic Conservatives and our Evangelical Business Partners, are continually disgusted by the Fake News allegations against my all-time favorite inspirational book-writer and personal hero — the unfairly maligned 1930’s and 1940’s great leader of Germany’s Dream-Army.
The VALUES of that great, great period in Euro-American History — are reflected by my 6:30 pm bedtime. As I prepare to SLEEP on all of YOUR many, many SCARY problems — I mentally CELEBRATE our GREAT COUNTRY with my nightly — excellent, and very VERY American McDonald’s Happy Meal! Happy Meals HAVE EVERYTHING I need to continue fighting for our NOT GAY at-ALL Classic American Values. Old values are the best values, right? MAGA. MAGA. MAGA. Going “FORWARD” sounds like a dumb-ass-Liberal slogan. It’s NOT an option now and we won’t let it happen on our watch.
Did you see the Judiciary WEDGIE we gave to OBAMA and his little Senate bitches for 293-DAYS. I’ve never been so PROUD to be an American, as when we shut those little Liberal-Licking Judiciary Committee Idiots down like a minority protest in Ferguson, Missouri.
We rolled on those whiny little elitists like a tremendous tidal wave of jack-booted awesomeness. I still watch the videos of Ferguson when the movie I picked for my “Executive Time” doesn’t have enough decent cop brutality. “Don’t be SOFT on them,” I always say. “Be a little rough for Trump!” I love cops and they love me — like a shiny new Troop Carrier with a roof-mounted 50-calibre machine gun — that’s a LOT of LOVE, and I love THEM right back!
Happy Meals have EVERYTHING folks — plus fun desk-ornaments for my HUGE and IMPRESSIVE West Wing working surface.
Because I’m a GENIUS, I always work without a computer—and EVEN without a pencil or paper. Could a normal human do that? No. KellyAnne and Stephen take turns typing my AMAZING, daily Twitter-devotions to you — my America-worshipping WINNERS. I have the BEST MEMORY of any President ever— even the many, many losers that died after stupidly — and PEACEFULLY relinquishing the BEST DAMN SEAT in the unassailable powerhouse of My United States of America. I’ll never quit — and I’ll never give up on YOUR Clean-Coal-Fueled American DREAMS! I know I’m inspiring — everyone tells me that — but you’re welcome, all the same.
Twitter is the best FRIEND I’ve had in my entire LIFE. Bannon’s a total DICK now. The GREAT-and-POWERFUL Twitter-World allows ME to TELL YOU and EVERYONE that holds their breath for every one of my very, very Presidential Tweets— ALL ACROSS OUR GREAT PLANET EARTH — which has been around for ever, and ISN’T going ANYWHERE all my thoughts. Especially thoughts about how I can badly hurt anyone who said bad things about me on CNN last night, when I was sleeping for YOU.
Twitter is my way of NICELY sharing what I’m thinking about and what I fucking DEMAND — at any and ALL TIMES — DAY or NIGHT. I work for the American People! THAT is how a President LEADS — and although KellyAnne shrewishly and annoyingly discourages it — I’m going to SAY it. Democrats and Liberals are giant, Twitter-Hating pussies! I win again. The world waits submissively at my VERY SIZABLE Cyber-Feet, for every great and very WISE Presidential word I dictate.
Guess what? NOBODY heard me just say, what YOU just heard me say! Damn, it’s good to be a Mother-F’n-GODFATHER! I’m the greatest you’ve ever seen — and the most AMAZING you will EVER live to see. Shithole-Pussies! What? I didn’t say anything! Are YOU tired of WINNING yet? Because I’m just getting started — and Stephen Miller continues to grow stronger EVERY NIGHT, after his his “SPECIAL” coffin-time!
BEAUTIFUL, Beautiful Melania — stand up Melania — MELANIA TRUMP, folks — give her a hand — always says that the “Early Bird Gets the Worm,” so I can’t even find her when I wake-up at 8 am on every day, but “Everythingday.” I get to sleep until noon on Everythingday, which keeps me really, really fresh and sharp. The First Lady is so busy and dedicated to her “Bullying Campaign,” that we’re rarely in the same place together. Baron is still WEBBING all over the internet, and spends countless hours of research in his VERY-AMAZING, genius bedroom.
My GREAT American Florida White House, currently called Mar-a-Lago — is where the REAL WORK of My Great Administration gets done. OFTEN, on one of my WORLD CLASS TRUMP RESORT Mar-a-Lago Golf Courses. Patriotic Tee-Times for Great Americans are available at — and this is NO JOKE — (561) 832–2600. Again, THAT Mar-A-Lago Tee-Time phone number is (561) 832–2600. I KNOW operators are standing around now, doing nothing. They’re lazy immigrant bastards. A whole bunch of them can hardly-even speak ENGLISH! Put them to work for Trump, folks! All Great American Golfers should DREAM of playing on my links, and trickling their vast-wealth down upon my very, very happy service-industry employees who LOVE ME.
This is my story — but it is also OUR Great AMERICAN Story, that will SOMEDAY SOON result in great institutions of Higher-Learning — like Bob Jones University, Liberty University and the illustrious Brigham Young School of Mormon History — rewriting the LIE-filled BOOKS that stupid Liberals have LONG-used to LIE about many, many, MANY untrue things. I don’t lie — and that’s a FACT you can cash at any bank! I’ve fixed the economy, so there’s now plenty of EVERYTHING for everyone. Again — I give you my heartfelt “You’re Welcome,” as your beloved and very amazing Great Leader.
Easing the AMAZING STRUGGLE of America’s Great and high-quality, non-shithole-dwelling immigrants — which I NEVER SAID — THAT NOBODY HEARD me say — is My Regime’s Greatest Mission of today. Walls, Moats, ICE, Heavily Armed and very NOT NICE Police— and EVERY OTHER tool of Human FREEDOM — and FREEDOM is the BEST, after SAFETY, RIGHT? Do you FEEL SAFE now? YES, you do! Trump is here now.
I get tired of saying “You’re Welcome,” but I do it for you — for FREE. Top that! Do YOU work for free? Then SHUT the FUCK UP, Chuck! At least I’m not waiting on a PAYCHECK — you annoying Democratic Screech-Monkey. Throw some poop over Al Franken’s way for me, will you? That Jewey-Pervert! Everyone loves my sense of humor, and I’m REALLy feeling a connection with you people tonight. I told you this would be a great, great show tonight. Trump delivers, doesn’t he?
THE AMAZING STRUGGLE that OUR Western European Forefathers bravely faced — and OUR Forefathers were UNQUESTIONABLY very high-quality, and non-shithole-dwelling Americans in EVERY WAY! Many of them didn’t dwell in Shithole Countries, not more than 100-years-ago! Impressive, right? “Move West and Kick Indian-Ass,” is my ALL-TIME favorite Teddy Roosevelt quote that Reince Priebus told me about once. Again — who has the GREATEST MEMORY EVER in Politics? Trump!
When our GREAT Forefathers — Godly seekers ALL — arrived on the AMAZING shores of OUR continent — a land that was, prior to OUR Ancestors’ BLESSED boat-landings, a TOTAL Indian-Infested-Shithole — which ISN’T a RACIST term in ANY way, and NOBODY EVER heard me say in a bipartisan White House meeting. But that’s all changing under Trump, as stupid Democrats like Chuck “Screwy-Jew” Schumer, IRRESPONSIBLY OFFERED — they bent over for me, the pansies — because Trump is Earth’s Greatest All-Time Deal-Maker — to fund my great-GREAT, very necessary wall.
In exchange, Screwy-Jew demanded that my administration look the other way for the greedy Alien DACA kids. No can do! I can’t go for that — no. I can’t go for THAT. McConnell’s been bragging about COMPLETELY crushing the lives of the BLATANTLY unapologetic Alien Babies, Children and Teenagers, and Mitch hangs-on like an undead Pit-Bull! We still laugh about shoving an un-lubed Gorsuch right-up Al Franken’s shithole. Don’t say a fucking WORD! You heard nothing. Not in your wildest whiney-LIBERAL dreams, will Trump be Schmuck Schumer’s “Huckleberry Hound.” Huckleberry was a great actor, and it was a great show — but Trump is no CARTOON actor!
Nobody — and I mean NO-BODY, negotiates like Trump. The Democrats let all the brown people — who love me like I love them — into our Awesome Sovereign Nation of people who have been here FOR MANY DECADES, and even YEARS — YEARS longer. Our forefathers played by the rules — and America can’t solve problems for two-million or more mewling, rule-ignoring Alien Children. THEIR SELFISH and CHILDISH Dreaming problems should be solved back in the homelands of their criminal parents — and not on MY valuable time. I’ve got important shit to do for your economy. It’s about making you very, very, very, very SAFE. Terrorists are ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS! Every think of THAT angle? Nope! That’s why I’m The President and you shut the fuck up.
“ARE we a Country of Law and Order, or a giant dry sponge, soaking in a fetid pool of rancid immigrant sewage?!”
I don’t care about the ACTUAL answer — but Steve Bannon asked me that question EVERY FUCKING DAY. “You’re Fired” — I told him. What a catch-phrase! Everyone in the office goes hysterical when I whip-it-out in meetings! Conservatives know how to have fun. Don’t believe the LIBERAL fake-news, reporting that we don’t party like we did in the good old days. MAGA, MAGA, MAGA. Just MAGA! Sarah and KellyAnne know what I’m talking about.
I am a REAL “American Dreamer.” With amazing DREAMS that are so GREAT, YOU wouldn’t understand them at all. Sometimes I dream about my family — and my BEAUTIFUL, really-tall and long-legged daughter, Ivanka. Dreams are strange — I’ve never had a SINGLE dream about Tiffany!
On Fishstick day — you should know that my sweet, SWEET KellyAnne keeps my calendar on a GREAT “School Lunch” Menu. I picked the best MENU EVER, for my personal chef to make for me — for EACH ONE of however many days there are, in what Liberals like to call a “WEEK.” I know Citizens of the WORLD want to know how very stable and consistent I am, so I asked KellyAnne Conway — stand up KellyAnne — she’s GREAT, isn’t she, folks. Thanks, KellyAnne. Now, SIT! Such a great girl.
There’s Fishstickday, MegaMcDonaldsday, Steakumsday, Baconday, Cheeseday, Pizzaday and my favorite of ALL — Everythingday. Everythingday was created to allow me to tolerate Screwy-Jew and the other Democratic dipshits that block the path of my GREAT success. What a system KellyAnne Constructed — seven choices for seven days. How safe is THAT? Think any sneaky little Democratic-loving fuck-nut is going to poison THIS Great Leader?
Oh, Hell NO! Safety! We all need safety. My private bodyguards walk my talk like bone-breaking old-timey “Mooks.” I LOVE MY TEAM. See? Humanity, kindness and leadership are all great Hallmark Cards of my amazing Presidency. Best of ALL, I’m just getting started! INNOVATION and NO EXCUSES is what the Trump White House will ALWAYS stand for, or against. I’m very, very Strategic and I know how to play a room. Am I right, ladies? You KNOW I am.
Trump is about solving problems and winning AMAZING DEALS, so I don’t EVER care what DAY anyone says it is! My VERY GREAT and GENIUS calendar system, is better than ANYTHING the Mayans every made-up with their CRAZY Moon-Phase Fake-Hippi conspiracy lies! It’s a NEW World with NEW opportunities for Americans to win — and win, and win.
All of our great European Ancestors knew that they had to lead their broken cultures, with REALLY Stupid FAKE Gods — to hang out with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ of the United States of America. I wish he was here tonight! Instead, I invited a special guest I’d like to stand up! He’s a great small businessman from Alabama, and a personal friend of the greatly-cheated and wonderfully kind Alabama Senate Candidate, Judge Roy Moore.
Phil McCrack is a world class — JUST an AMAZING — really great — Talladega, Alabama Taxidermist. Thank for coming Phil! Phil McCrack has done something special for me and for America. He’s stuffed the corpse of the best dead Supreme Court Judge that EVER LIVED — Antonin Scalia — AMAZING, right? Stuffy-Scalia will be PERMANENTLY posted behind my West Wing desk, so I will have PERFECT and FLAWLESS, conservatively-based — and CHRISTIAN, legal advice any time I’m forced to be in The Shitty D.C. White House. What? No.
Even while the selfish Democrats want to shut down the Economic Engine of great men & women from the amazing Trump-supporting streets of wonderful American Cities —cities that will NEVER provide SANCTUARY to criminal rapists or RAPIST CRIMINALS, like that one illegal Mexican guy, who shot that poor, poor lady in Chicago. Immigration KILLS — and Trump will ALWAYS put America First — no matter WHAT!
The ICE-protected safe-streets, of our overwhelmingly unsafe far-left illegal-refugee Sanctuary Cities are an IMMINENT THREAT to our lives and liberty. Also to YOUR safety — SAFETY! Who doesn’t like to feel safe? Nobody has EVER made America safer than TRUMP. How many lawless and criminal anchor-babies that turn into Medical Care demanding DEPENDENT, non-citizen drags upon my unprecedented economic nuclear missile of life-changing social progress — will rob OUR great nation’s beautiful CITIZEN Babies of the childhood medical care and education that they can have if their parents work very, very HARD!
It’s not right — and Trump won’t stand for it. “Fuck babies,” My Daddy used to tell me as a young child. I never forgot those WISE words of great wisdom, and never will. Memories! I have them in SPADES.
Democrat’s who are INSANELY jealous of my family’s great contributions to America’s wonderful Safety, are attempting to destroy us — even emailing each other about a conspiracy to MURDER the ONE True White-Santa! Add THAT, to Hillary’s Criminal Enterprises and what do you get! Do you STILL worry about The RUSSIANS? FAKE-FUCKING NEWS — and I’ll sit in any room, with any lying-piece-of-shit TREASONOUS FUCK they send to interview me — before he dies soon.
In GREAT RESPONSE, as your President — probably the last greatest President EVER — I will PUT the FEAR of GOD into very STUPID and DISHONEST Liberals (who actually LOVE TRUMP), Criminals, Aliens and Brown-Skinned Terrorists from all Shithole Countries — a term, REMEMBER — THAT I NEVER SAID and never WILL say.
Who among YOU PEOPLE, thought that TRUMP would be SO proud of My Blacks? When I asked “what do you have to lose” — over FIVE of you PEOPLE regularly campaigned with me AND SAT DIRECTLY BEHING ME ON THE STAGE — holding Godly Signs of Great Devotion. Racist? Fuck you! I’ve employed more pool cleaners than you’ll EVER KNOW.
My Republican Friends LOVE DIVERSITY. Everyone knows that I love Blacks more than Obama EVER DID. I even love HIS CHILDREN better than he does, I love Black People so much. The Obama Administration’s irresponsible policy of UNEQUALLY loving WHITE PEOPLE is one that I have reversed in my very first year of rule, with BIG LEAGUE success.
WE ARE NOT GOING BACK. Say it with me at home, folks! I see YOU watching ME on TV. I always get the BEST ratings EVER — and even maid-impregnating — hold on — I LOVE this shit — which is TREMENDOUSLY, tremendously FUNNY — maid-impregnating Arnold Schwarzenegger sucks Democrat’s Donkey-Drills in comparison to my media dominance. Who the biggest man NOW — AH-NOLD?
Steroid-sticker! Household-help-humper! Shriver-diver!
When I give my mortal political enemies of both parties a newly-coined Trump name like “Low-Energy-Jeb” — it’s like they instantly become my personal hand puppet. I verbally fist them into unconsciousness, until the say the EXACT words I’m scratching DEEPLY — very, very deeply into the walls of their colon. Not nice? Exactly! I win again.
In CLOSING — more than ANY other President in the history of Presidents, Trump will change your life. As I asked my Blacks — “What do you have to lose, NOW?” The fantastically-GREAT empowered majority that so Patriotically believes in SAFETY — SAFE-TEE !— for the beautiful, but STUPID babies and children who SHAMELESSLY drain CRITICAL RESOURCES from our incredible and disgusting inner-cites. Great Cities of AMAZINGLY SUCCESSFUL job creating men, their wives, girlfriends, strippers and — ESPECIALLY DAUGHTERS — like my amazingly stacked Ivanka. STAND UP, HONEY. Those are SOME TITS — right out of the exemplary and stunningly handsome Trump Germanic-Gene-Pool — am I RIGHT?!
Of course, I am.
Good night, and may God Bless My United States of America.