Growth vs Fixed Mindsets in Relationships

Being in a 21+ year relationship with my wife, I often get asked what “our secret” is to success. I’ve been thinking quite a bit these days on what a healthy relationship looks like, and how best to answer this tricky question not only in regards to marriage, but also in love, friendship and business partnership. In doing so, I keep returning to the importance of the interplay between two fundamental mindsets, commonly understood as “Fixed” and “Growth”.

Fixed vs Growth Mindsets

In essence, a Fixed mindset is one that is set in its ways, and sees no opportunity for evolution or improvement. This triggers a chills-inducing memory of an incredible moment in seeing Sean Stephenson on the first Summit at Sea cruise in 2011. Sean, in all of his three-foot glory, posed this question to the audience:

“What is the difference between arrogance and confidence?”

His answer, simply put, was arrogance believes there is no better to be had. Confidence, however, believes in its own self worth, yet simultaneously believes there is always room for improvement.

This difference is also at the heart of the Fixed and Growth mindset. Fixed is stuck in its ways, arrogantly believing they’ve got it all figured out with nothing more to learn. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” is often a mantra of the fixed mindset. Pun intended.

The Growth mindset may be wholly confident in its abilities and talents, yet continues to strive for better, however subtle the next level may be. The Growth mindset can also be seen in the “Beginners Mind” philosophy of Zen master Shunryu Suzuki.

I’ve had the great fortune of being around and working with some of the greatest artists and thinkers of our times, and without exception, Beginner’s Mind is the beating heart of what defines their “talent”; though most would say it was the dedication to practice and “doing the damn work” that got them to that level, yet striving for more.

Here’s a great piece and fun chart that explores the Fixed vs Growth mindsets with illustrative clarity:

Developmental Psychology Doesn’t Stop at 18

In raising children, we see the Fixed vs Growth mindset pervade parenting approaches. It’s clear by now that giving every kid a “participation trophy” may give them a self esteem boost in the moment, but in the long run can cause more harm than health when maturing into adulthood. “You did GREAT, Johnny! You’re a star!” is more of a fixed mindset, and often leads to a lack of understanding of the nuances of the world.

“You did great, Johnny, and let’s discuss and implement how we improve your skills from here so you have the tools to do so” is more aligned with the Growth mindset. Confident, yes! Arrogant, not so much.

I mention the childhood example because culturally, at least here in the not so United States of America, we seem to (at least increasingly attempt) foster a growth mindset in children, with known programs like “Early Childhood Development” and “Developmental Psychology,” but then we suddenly seem to believe around 18 or “adulthood”, that it’s the end of the growth curve.

Once we’ve been bludgeoned with enough traumas of the Truth of being-in-the-world, we become fixed in our positions, and unable to evolve — at least until 15–20 years later when we may have a “mid life crisis” that could simply be defined as a grand shift from Fixed to Growth mindset. Change is scary, especially when breaking the mold of arrogance and finding some humility in one’s approach to their own development.

Relationship Building

Now, what to do when you’re in a Growth mindset, with a partner, friend, lover, etc that is in a Fixed mindset?

Despite years of trying in every way imaginable, I don’t really believe there is a means to transform someone, or help transform someone, from a Fixed to Growth mindset. In fact, the harder you try, the more Fixed the partner’s mindset may become. No amount of “trying” will change someone.

The only thing you can do is continue to grow, and evolve and find clearly and more effective ways to communicate. Being “right” about a subject is a Fixed mentality. Being “effective” in getting your message across comes from a Growth mindset. It feels great to be right, but to be right — the other has to be “wrong”. An attitude that will certainly not be “effective” in the long run.

The ideal relationship is one where each party is on their own unique, individual path focused on Growth, where core to the relationship is in supporting the Growth of the other. The terrifying thing in this scenario is the fear the partner may “Grow apart” if this is the case. Indeed, this is a reality that must be faced head-on, with open and clear communication.

It might be best to only engage in relationships where the other humans are dedication to Growth, and aren’t fixed in their ways. It’s not difficult to see how, often found in basic use of language patterns that give away a Fixed hand. If you’re struggling in a relationship, zoom out and see if this framework helps to better understand where the friction is coming from, and how to solve for it — if even possible.

Who knows, you may even be able to become Fixed into a Growth mindset!