Very funny post on the German subreddit

This is a rant by a person whose bike was recently stolen. It is such comedic gold that I must try, to the best of my abilities, to translate it faithfully.

[Original Content] Dear Bike Thief …

Today I — with dread and with heavy panting due to the once-again inoperative escalators and 140 stair steps from the urban railway platform — had to recognize that you have stolen my bicycle. It is gone without a trace. As if it were never there. As if I hadn’t overcome on its back the two kilometers from my house to the rail station every morning for the past weeks and months.

Let me see… I walk several times around the stands. I scratch my head. Did I ride it to the other rail station? Could I be mistaken? I circle around the bike stands again. But it’s not here. Away. Gone. A memory. All that’s left is the void and a useless key for a bike lock.

So I walk home. Incandescent with rage, and with the intention to make an irate and pointless Reddit post upon arrival. While on the way, a short Facebook post. Already two likes. I’ll take it. Teenagers ride past me on bikes. Briefly I ponder punching that screaming, fat kid and taking my revenge.

My sole comforting thought, as I sit at my PC with aching feet and formulate this? The brakes on my beloved two-wheeler were not roadworthy. So I simply imagine that you haven’t realized it. I visualize that you, with your newly-snatched vehicle, jubilantly drive up a hill, a couple of which we luckily have in Stuttgart. And then, gradually, a realization spreads to your face. You’re not getting slower. You aren’t able to get it to a timely stop. Leftwards and rightwards, just hedges or barbed wire. Straight ahead, only the abyss. Underneath you, stinging nettle and disgrace. And pain, as you lie below, impaled by the middle beam, which broke in twain from the impact. Where was once joy and adrenaline is now agony and adrenaline. Your lungs fill with blood. Your field of vision grows dimmer.

I laugh.