My only quibble with your criticism is the title, which — maybe correctly — indicts a genre, while you spend most of the piece going at a couple of examples form one story by a single author.
You write very well, and describe clearly why the author’s style is fraught, if not appalling. It’s also clear and well said, how these style problems both cover structural problems in the prose while creating obstacles for story telling. The general clumsiness of pseudo-realism with sex scenes? Good call. Probably not exclusive of other genre writing, but SF has some of the best and worst.
You close with a broad summary of research you’d made into the author, discovering connections, that I’m are just as nepotism-laden and “inside-baseball” gamed as you describe. But this is where the real story is, and is what deserves a detailed written examination.
I suppose that’s where we move from literary criticism into investigative report. This may not have been your intent, I understand. What I think we have here is the beginning of a series or perhaps a conversation.
I look very much forward to more from you.