Everything I Make is Terrible
I find myself to be fairly talented. I’ve learned quite a bit, played around with a lot of technologies, and built some pretty interesting things. Still, I feel like everything I make is terrible. Maybe that’s a good thing.
I consider myself to be my harshest critic. The thing is, though, I don’t see myself being overly critical of other people’s work, just my own. Maybe I underestimate myself, or maybe I just set impossibly high standards for myself and what I am capable of. Notably, I find it very difficult to claim I’m an expert or even proficient at certain things. Those things, to me, imply completeness, which I just don’t see in my own work.
This self-criticism forms an unending chain of sorts. If I run a mile, I’m disappointed that I didn’t run two. If I run two miles, I’m disappointed that I didn’t run four.
It’s probably a good idea to point out that I don’t hate myself. Quite the contrary. I think I’m a very capable human being and I’m very confident in my work in some regards. When it comes to my code, however, I take self-improvement very seriously. If there’s progress to be made, I give it priority.
Why does this push me? If I’m not satisfied at state A, I’ll try and advance to state B. B doesn’t make the cut, so I try and advance to state C. Rinse and repeat.
I redesign my personal website about once a month. Each time, I feel it looks “better.” With that, however, I find more faults in its design and content, so I keep going. Why bother, though? When I ask for feedback, people usually say it looks fine - I could stop there. It’s such a simple little thing, my blog, so why spend so much time on it? To be honest, I don’t know. What’s great is that you can learn a lot by obsessing over a little blog: design, writing abilities, and plenty of ruby code.
On occasion, I experience little bursts of confidence. The ability to look back and see how far I’ve come. When it comes to a particular habit or technology, my little episodes of “this isn’t good enough” add up, and they add up quickly. I’m fortunate enough to look back on old projects and old habits to see my progress - which looks great after not appreciating it for a while.
I’m honestly not sure if I can keep this up. Maybe eventually I’ll reach a point where I’m fully content with my work. When I finally get there, I bet I’ll be blown away. Until then, I’ll keep relying on my minor insecurities to get from A to B (and B to C).
There’s always something to do when everything is terrible.
