How Long Does It Take People To Change?

I will tell you bluntly: I do not know how long it takes. What I will tell you is how you can determine if waiting around for that change is worth it.

Continually in life we encounter situations in which people let us down. Be it a relationship with a significant other, a friendship, or teammate: someone in some situation promised they would act in accordance with one set of actions but acted otherwise. We listen, we believe, and we expect that every person will hold themselves to their words: or at least we believe they should hold themselves to their word.

Expectations and should are two complex words that I will revisit in another post, however what you should know is that these words are likely hindering your relationships.

When someone says they are going to do something then do not, we all know what happens next,

“Omg I am so sorry! It won’t happen again”

You know this story, you and I have both said this as well as have been on the receiving end of this almost meaningless statement. How often when you say or hear “I am sorry” are you convinced?

To say I am sorry has become so muddled with assumptions and misunderstood correspondences. Saying “I am sorry” no longer conveys your distress or sympathy. Instead, the phrase is a passive attempt to run away from an awkward encounter or dismiss someone you do not feel is worth investing in.

Someone can announce “I am sorry” a million times but does that mean they will change? How many times must a person say sorry before they change?

The answer: until they are able to willingly fight the urge that caused them to act in the first place.

People SHOULD change. People CAN change. But I would posit they do not change in the manner you think.

The person who broke your heart and cheated on you is no different from the one who left you all the work on a project. One will always be a cheater and one will always be lazy. You cannot erase the past or erase parts of who they are.

A person is not the sum of their actions, but how they learn from, grow, and respond to their past.

When I say a person changes, I do not mean the individual magically stops doing what they have done before: that they are a new version of themselves. Instead, a person who changes, is a person who responds differently to their thoughts and urges, the same thoughts and urges that compelled them to act before.

A person who changes is not a new version of themselves, but a stronger version of themselves.

If your significant other cheats on you, you SHOULD run, however that is subjective. If you choose to stay you ought to have 100% certainty that when that person says “I am sorry”, they mean “I will work on fighting the temptations and urges that caused me to act this way”.

This does not mean they will never cheat again however. It means “Hey I might do this again, but I am trying my hardest to stop”. Take the brilliant film A Star Is Born. Jackson tried his hardest, I believe, to change. He learned from his past experiences, grew from them and tried to respond differently. He TRIED. This does not mean success. In the same way Ally stood by Jackson, if you stick with someone who has let you down, YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO WORK.

As much as it is work for them, it is work for you. You have to be willing to learn, grow, and respond: you have to change. This does not happen overnight. This does not mean they will have a flawless record hence forth.

Though I love Carrie Bradshaw this is not a Sex and the City column. I am not giving outright relationship advice, but I am saying that for a person to change in any relationship they have to want to actively fight against themselves: they have to want to change.

Though it is near impossible to break away from conventions of society, to not say I am sorry after you do something, maybe even inadvertently, you should be certain when you are saying it you are making a conscious effort to change the behavior that caused it. Saying I am sorry over and over again for the same actions in and of itself proves you are not truly sorry.

What does this mean?

If you are asking yourself has someone changed or will they change, ask yourself, do I believe this person is willing to fight against whatever compelled them to act the last time this happened? Can I learn, grow, and respond differently with them? If you can say yes confidently stick it for the long haul, if not GURL GETCHA STUFF AND LEAF.

Change takes time. Change is not easy. People CAN change, but not many people have the willingness to struggle both with themselves and the other party involved in order to change: but hey, life is funny like that.

Join me on JBJWrites.com for more!