The idea of Velveeta

This is part of a 2013 series of Medium drafts that I never published.

Facts N’ Cheese was a collection of videos where I would spit out all I knew about a cheese on camera while having a taste (and a drink) with a friend. There are 18. We’d try to shoot five or so episodes in a day, so every fifth one, I’m a little sassy. Soak up every awkward minute of it.

Trying “An American classic” for the first time.

Ever since I started filming episodes of Facts N’ Cheese, my friend Cole has always requested that I save the Velveeta episode for him. Now, I’m not one to turn down an intelligent discussion about “cheese product.” Nay, I am not too high or mighty to scoff and say “That is not cheese!” Well, technically it isn’t natural cheese at all but processed cheese with milk protein concentrate (kinda like orange juice in a frozen can has remnants of the original fruit). I believe Velveeta plays an interesting role in the American idea of what cheese is and how to consume it.

Believe it or not, Velveeta was developed by a Swiss immigrant named Emil Frey in 1918. Now why in the world would an immigrant from one of the greatest traditional cheese states create something so inauthentic? While yes, the current incarnation of Velveeta is pumped full of preservatives, the original idea was slightly sustainable in that more whey was left in the mix to keep it “velvety.” In 1928 the idea was sold to Kraft and perhaps even now, a distinct tenet of cheese is meltability. Velveeta sold on its sheer ability to melt, which dwarfed the intended selling point of whey’s nutritional value.

I remember seeing Velveeta commercials all the time when I was growing up in the 90’s and my mother was never one to make broccoli and cheese or queso dip. I have “down-home” memories of Velveeta despite never tasting it in my life. Sure, I’ve had ballpark queso, Taco Bell cheese and other processed dips but not THE Velveeta. It was time, Simba.

I microwaved 1/3 of the bar (which is packaged eerily like cream cheese in foil) with salsa verde and three other types of red hot sauce. Et voila! Queso dip!

For those of you who are intolerant — even though Velveeta is “milk product” is still has traces of lactose, so watch out! I seriously looked around my empty apartment to see if anyone was watching me make this monstrosity. The first few chips were satisfying, that wonderful umami akin to MSG. The scary thing is that the glass jar I used was a BITCH to clean, it’s been soaking in the sink for days and the residue still hasn’t quite come off.

I’m thinking about it caking the lining inside my body and will probably never buy this again.

New American-made cheese may be more expensive and not as shelf stable but it’s worth it. It’s way more complex and pairs with beer. Yes, it exists! The state of Wisconsin even instituted dairy grants to encourage people to create or help maintain their farms. Try some cheese that is not made in a factory! Liberate your cheese from its plastic suffocator!

If you are in New York area, I recommend these shops:

All of these places will let you try before you buy. Got one to add? Let me know.

I’m also afraid that when I die, they will find a small ball of Velveeta inside me. They will shake their heads and write on my grave “She died in the name of cheese research.”