My Guy Friends Are Like My Big Brothers; My Big Brothers Who Want to Fuck Me.

They say that friends are the family we choose. Being a gal with mostly guy friends, I can relate to that; I’m so tight with my dudes, it really feels like we’re family. Honestly, my guy friends are like my big brothers…my big brothers who definitely want to fuck me.

Take Sean, for example. Sean is always tickling me mercilessly because he KNOWS I hate it. He’ll chase me and tackle me and sit on me and tickle me until I can’t breathe, and the whole time I’m just giggling and shrieking like, “Sean! Sean, OMG, Sean, seriously stop, STOP IT, seriously, SEAN, I’m serious, stop!!!!!!” This is classic big brother behavior toward his little sister, and the reason for that is because Sean is like my big brother…my big brother who wants to fuck me.

That’s not as bad as Brian, though. Brian loves to make fun of me for everything, from how short I am (he calls me “Shorty”! LOL) to how little I know about football. He teases me ruthlessly and imitates the way I talk, and the guys just crack up. Being the butt of the joke can get to me occasionally, but I try to remember that it’s only because I’m like their little sister. You know, their little sister they for sure want to fuck.

Or Josh. Josh always wants to like, screen the guys I date to “make sure they’re good enough for [me].” He also gives me advice on what to wear on dates, and lets me know if a dress is too short or a top too revealing. This might seem a little odd and controlling, but in our relationship that’s totally normal because Josh is seriously like my big brother who very much wants to fuck me.

If I do date someone, I try not to let him anywhere near Kevin. Whenever Kevin meets a guy I’m dating, he’ll make jokes and disparaging remarks about him to me really casually, as if he’s trying to make me not like him or something. Almost like the way your big brother would, if your big brother wanted to fuck you.

If a guy I’m dating ever hurts my feelings or screws me over, look out for Zach. He’s super protective of me so he gets like, SO angry and will storm around or even break things. Once, when my ex broke up with me because I cheated on him, Zach bashed my ex’s windshield in and left him threatening voicemails every day for three months. He says I’m just such a great girl that it makes him mad that anyone would break up with me or treat me like I’m anything less than a princess. That is sooooo sweet to me because I’ve never had a big brother before, much less a big brother like Zach who literally wants to put his literal dick inside my literal body.

At least I know I can always count on Alex to be there for me. He has a tough guy exterior in front of the rest of the dudes, but he’s honestly so caring and sweet. He’s always offering me his sweatshirt if I’m cold, which I always am, and it looks adorable on me because it’s so huge and I’m so tiny and frail! It’s literally like a little sister playing dress-up in her big brother’s clothes. Plus, he always offers to let me crash in his bed if it’s the end of the night and we’re just chilling at the guys’ house and I’m tired or something. He even says he’ll sleep on the floor, but I say I don’t mind. It’s not like it’s weird for brothers and sisters to sleep in the same bed! I actually love sleeping in the same bed with him because he gives me REALLY great back massages. He says I’m super tense and I need to ease some of my stress. He’ll even cuddle me while we fall asleep! That’s just the kind of guy Alex is: a total big brother type falling asleep next to his little sister with a huge bonedog because he wants to fuck her so bad.

I honestly don’t know what I would do without my guy friends looking out for me. Is it tough to date when you have six big brothers taking care of you and treating you like you’re their little sister? Yes. But will I continue rationalizing flirtatious and controlling behavior from them as protective and familial because it’s more comfortable than confronting the constant, blatant evidence of their persistent, burning desire to fuck me? Also very much yes.