Body Apology
I am blessed to have had three healthy pregnancies and deliveries (all c-section). Between my second and third pregnancies I had a moment. I realized that I was totally disconnected from my body and that I hadn’t appreciated it for what it had given me. Not only in relation to my pregnancies but in a broader sense as well. In fact, I was kind of a terrible friend to my body because all it ever did was support me and give me a healthy vehicle to experience my life, not to mention allow me to grow and give birth to healthy babies. And what did I have to say about that? Nothing. I didn’t even notice. I took it for granted. And often I was impatient and mean. ‘My legs are the worst, I can never wear shorts.’ ‘Why do you still look like this 3 months (then 6 months, then 8 months) after having a baby? So and so is already back in her pre-baby sized clothes (which are way smaller than yours by the way).’
After being 10 days overdue, 24 hours of labor and ‘failure to progress’ with my first delivery I had an emergency c-section. Everything turned out fine, but my recovery was lengthy and challenging. I wasn’t too interested in repeating that, so for my second pregnancy I went right for the c-section option. Could have perhaps tried to go another way, but understandable decision, right? The second planned delivery experience was great. I was prepared, enjoyed a pleasant stay in the hospital afterwards, knew what to expect and the recovery was much better.
So, why after two years did I have that moment? Everything was OK. My children were healthy and growing. I was healthy. The delivery was timed perfectly and grandma was there to help. Of course the moment happened when I was laying in savasana on my yoga mat at the end of a yoga practice. During that time, my guard is totally down so it frees up space for the real emotions and what’s below the surface to come up.
The moment happened because I realized that I had capriciously and casually made that choice to have the second c-section. It was almost like I realized I had hurt a friend and had never apologized or acknowledged it. As if my brain had made that decision without my body being involved. I’m not saying that it was wrong or that I would change my choice, but I noticed that I made the choice very casually and without thinking. It was disconnected. And something inside me felt so sorry about that.
I had that feeling again after running my first half marathon. This was last year. All of a sudden I realized that I was giving my head all the credit for that accomplishment. It was ‘me’ but the version of me that thinks and talks and has discipline: the ego centered version. I didn’t acknowledge that without the mechanics of me physically putting one foot in front of the other moment after moment, the whole thing would not have happened. Feet, legs, lungs, heart….it was a team effort.
I’ve been practicing yoga for almost 13 years now and I feel like I’m understanding the definition of yoga as ‘union’ in a new way. I compartmentalize myself to my own detriment. When I’m really in tune and connected between my mind, body and spirit, so much more is possible and I feel much more than simply the sum of my parts.
