Living and recovering from an eating disorder, and a whole bunch of other shit.

When I was in elementary school I suffered from ADHD, OCD and a plethora or other learning disabilities. When I was in middle school, I started to show the symptoms of my bipolar disorder. In high school, through college, I suffered from severe depression and suicidal tendencies. Last year, I was diagnosed with anorexia.

I guess when I look back it makes a lot of sense, my brain/personality(s) fit a bunch of medical check lists. I don’t know why I am like this. I don’t know why I “suffer” from these illnesses and diseases. But its weird to think about someone who doesn't at least have one of these medical terms attached to them but, this is normal to me. At a young age, this became my reality. I acquired new labels like they were rewarded to me with simple tests. They were never enough to really change things though. I would be taken out of class and brought to different rooms, additional teachers assigned to me, watching and working with me but, I was never left back despite my grades. I sat in therapy rooms, retold my story again, and again, and again, and again but I was never put in a hospital. I lost over 60 pounds in a 8 months because I wanted to physically disappear but, I wasn’t shipped away to a rehab program.

Living today, I’m healthy and proud and confident and motivated. I’m doing what I love to do every single day, and I’m so damn passionate about what I do but I am terrified of whats next. What is next? What else am I going to come down with, show symptoms of, or fall into. I see doctors and all the letters after their name, and I feel connected to them, “Mr. John Rossi ADHD,OCD,BPD,ANRXA”. It saddens me that enjoying more food than the dinner I made for my self makes me scared. Am I just hungry? Or am I coming down with a binge eating disorder? I want to go for a run, but wait John.. why do you want to go for a run? Are you trying to burn more calories? Or are you just trying to exercise and escape your brain for a bit. Oh don’t forget, no eating before 12 and no later than 10. And watch the carbs, Why? Cause thats what Joe Rogan says. And thats what/who I’ll listen to this month or so, then it’ll be some other diet.

Ok, so with all this out there I’m gonna ask you to just set it aside for a second. What I’m truly afraid of, why I’m writing this… i’m scared to lose myself again. The funny thing is that this guy writing this out right now doesn't even know if the person who is thinking these sentences, is even the true, real me. I totally understand how douchey and meta-pretentious that sounds, but its true. At a young age I was told I was different from the other students, so I tried to change everything about my self to become like the other students. In Middle school I was told that there are different parts of my personality and one part is “really mean and hurts people” so, inevitably, I tried to change myself. High school and college, I was so depressed with the person who was occupying the pilot position of my brain, I wanted to end him forever. I clearly didn’t, so I pushed that guy sitting at the helm of my mind out, and I completely lost myself. Anorexia was the worst thing that ever happened to me. After I “recovered” I realized I actually like the guy who is upstairs thinking and making decisions, he seems like he’s on my side and wants the best for me. But, what if he is like all the other conductors. What if he, as well as the other 5 or so, derail me again and spin me into a new spiral.

I guess we’ll see, and I’ll write about it.

If you want.