Every day babies are born. I was one of those babies. I’m a web designer/developer, father to identical twin girls, and graduate of Dallas Comedy House.

Feb 12, 2016

9 Ways to Misuse Appliances

Cook a large quantity of hot dogs in a clothes drier. “Oh no! I’ve got a hundred people coming over in an hour! I better throw some hotdogs in the ol’ clothese drier.” It’s actually faster to use a grill.
Make toast in the bathtub. We’ve all thought about it, but the risk of your toast getting soggy just isn’t worth it. Also, the toaster might fall in and you’ll be electrocuted.
Fill the Keurig water tank with vodka. (Actually, I can’t think of a reason not to do this, so nevermind on this one.)
Microwave your smartphone to warm it up. I know it’s tempting when you first sit down on the porcelain throne in the morning only to be greeted by a freezing cold screen at your fingertips, but warming up your smartphone in the microwave apparently voids the warranty. Who knew?
Use a waffle iron to warm your gloves. Nine times out of ten, you’ll forget to take your hands out of the gloves first. Yowzers!
Open up a deer processing shop just because you own a food processor.
Cook a Thanksgiving turkey with an electric blanket. It takes weeks to cook a turkey with an electric blanket. My mistake last year was waiting until the day of.
Use a hairdryer to rob a liquor store. In my experience, the clerks will just laugh at you and call you “Futureman” and make “pew pew” laser sounds. Luckily they didn’t call the cops.
Use a computer to write out a list. No one wants to read them and they hardly ever supply any factual information. All they do is waste the time of the writer and the reader. Never do this.

Darek Tatum can be found being generally annoying on Twitter.