What keeps this rope under my bed.

According to british hanging tables from 1970s, all I need is just a 2.48 meters of drop and a rope, but I never did it. If you ever wandered of commiting a suicide you’re not alone. I think about it almost every day.

When I was thinking of killing myself for the first time, It was 11 years ago, I was just a little kid, propably no more then 8. And the reason was a girl. A cute blond girl with blue eyes and when I saw her for the first time I instantly imagined our wedding, our honeymoon on the beach while the sun is falling down behind the horizon. You all can imagine what happend. And there I was standing with a rope aroud my neck, decided to end everything.

But then I felt sad for my family. So I stepped down from the tree I was standing at and decided to go on, untill I’m 18. Then I will go at the exact spot I nearly killed myself 11 years ago and I think everything over again.

Since that moment I was standing on that tree 14 times. But the reason was completely different. Why would anyone want to live when they they can die and have peace. Just try to imagine that, pure nothing, void and you’re not aware of that you’re dead. So why do we see suicide as something bad??

I have a good life. I’m student with a very good results, I’m programing alot and there’s no problem with money through my job at the brewery. I have a bright future that lot of people would kill for. But I don’t want to live.

I don’t want money, I just want peace. I don’t mind working or studying, it’s part of life, but I never asked for it. I will live my life as it was granted to me from my mother, who carried 9 months, and my father.

So here I am, in my bed on my 18th birthday thinking about it all over again. No one know’s what will happen in year, month or tommorow.