Coloring book neuroticisms

I bought a coloring book today. It’s for me, not for Alina. This one, to be exact.

I had come across this article online: Why millions of adults are buying this coloring book. Hey, millions of adults can’t be wrong, right? Wait…never mind. Anyways, I saw at the bookstore, and thought it would be a fun activity to do after the Alina goes to sleep, to wind down in the evenings.

Boy, was I wrong (and also right). Apparently, there’s nothing like coloring in a coloring book to make you question all your inconsequential decisions.

A glimpse into my brain:

Which page should I start coloring first? Should I do them in order? Maybe I should choose a page I really like. But maybe it shouldn’t be symmetrical, because then I’ll feel like I need to color it symmetrically. Maybe it should be on the right side, so it’s easier to color, you know, so I can ease back into the coloring thing.

Should I photocopy the pages and color the copy? Or scan the page before I color it? What if someone else wants to color it later? Ok screw it, I’m just going to color this page.

Whoa I’m going to color these leaves over here purple because I’m so craaaazy. Wait, what does it say about me that crazy equals coloring leaves purple on a Sunday night? I’m trying to tap into some creativity, but is a coloring book the best way? I can choose colors, but there are still lines to stay in. Or maybe I don’t have to stay in them. What would Elle Luna do with this coloring book? Maybe it’s good that I’m just getting out some art supplies. Baby steps.

Wait, this is going to take a ridiculously long time. These leaves are so fucking small, and there’s so many of them. Why is this stressing me out? Why am I so concerned that I didn’t stay completely in the lines? Who’s going to see this? Is this how I make decisions in real life? When do we transform from carefree spontaneous kids to neurotic adults?

I can write my weekly Medium post about this. I’m sure people will enjoy it.

Eventually I chilled out a bit and found the coloring calming. But wow, the space to look at how my thought processes took on a life of their own while I colored was fascinating. Nothing like a coloring book to make you realize how crazy your brain is, apparently.

Here’s as far as I got before I decided to move on to writing this.

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