late night thoughts.

I can’t help thinking that a day will come when I will be nothing but dust in the air. I can’t help thinking that, one day, I will stop breathing and just cease to exist.

Every time I pass a car, the idea crosses my mind. Every time I cross the street, the idea crosses my mind. The idea of death haunts with every meal I take, every breath I take, every time I look at the face of a loved one or even at my own face in the mirror… It breaks my heart. That idea is taking a hold of my every waking thought. That idea is embodying itself into my dreams and turning them into gruesome nightmares night after night. I’ve tried to fight it off and distract myself from thinking about it but it’s there; everywhere I go, slowly taking a hold of my mind. Death has its grips around me so tight that whenever I look at my friends, I imagine them being walking skeletons. I am unsure which (sub)idea scares me more: whether that one day the nothing will take over or worse, that I will survive my friends and spend my dying days alone.

Can anyone tell me what is life? Many scholars have failed to find answers so don’t worry if you don’t have one. What is the secret of spending your days breathing and waiting for the day you make the grave? Why build a house when a hurricane will destroy it? Why build sandcastles on wavy shores? Why breathe when no one will ever remember you lived? Death has got me sad. Death has got me scared; terrified even. Death has paralyzed me and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how writing about it will make me feel better but I decided that I have to let it out one way or another or else it will consume me and reduce me to the fears that have been taking over me.

I’ve always been scared of death; ever since I was a child and my mother first explained to me about death. However, this aggravating nightmare that I’m going through now started when a group of friends and I went on a trip towards the sea in Batroun. It was a very pleasant day where we felt like tourists in our own country; discovering new things and sharing stories about these places… A day full of laughs indeed. Suddenly, I remember, while walking towards the car, I blinked. It may seem overdramatic but in that one millisecond of darkness, I saw myself in a coffin and they were closing the lid on me. It was then that I saw with complete clairvoyance what I am: a pitiful human. It was very strange and everyone present that day would tell you that I completely switched at that precise moment.

I couldn’t help it and, until now, I still can’t help it. I feel like I am missing things before even experiencing them. I feel like I’m watching a movie of my life and I’m waiting for the final credits that I will never see. I can’t fast forward nor rewind, I can only play; never pause.

I may need a break… I definitely need a break.

The funny is that I perfectly know what am I going to do with my life but I don’t know where to start. When I was a child, I wanted to build a pyramid so that I’d be remembered forever, so that my legacy would live on. When I grew up a little, I realized that immortality can only be done through art and pyramids are a work of art themselves. Therefore, I would much rather be immortalized in art than in any other architectural monument. However, how will I know if I am remembered if my bones weigh nothing anymore? Does Marilyn Monroe know the charm she still has over this world? Does Dali know how much he is still an influence? Does Aristotle know that his ideas still live on? What would they think of the robotic trapped lives we are living? What would they think of the debt we put ourselves in so that we would have a “better future” or “happier present”? How would they feel knowing that we stopped evolving some time ago and we’re nothing but a slave to a machine?

I removed a tooth and it didn’t hurt: a part of me was removed and I felt no pain. All I could think when that I was going to die one and all of this will make no sense. The pain I endured for a year will mean nothing. The medicine I took to cure myself from a fever or the flu will do nothing to save me from my eventuality.

Maybe I’m just miserable with my job or perhaps, I’ve had enough with living and working with a bunch of people who take me for granted. I really need some time off away from the world, away from civilizations and away from life; although I never knew how someone could run away from life while still alive and kicking… Maybe I should sleep.

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