Dying to be alive again!
How on earth will I get through this? How will my heart ever understand this crazyness? From harmony in to total chaos. Well the harmony is not spelled with a big H so maybe it was not such a strong harmony anyway. But still how can something flip over from 2 years of love and a fun evening where THE clear question was answered with a “YES I do!” and then the hell broke loose?
In hind sight I must say I was saved from this marriage but while still sitting in the boat on a stormy deep dark ocean together with my partner I just could not get why he suddenly had changed his mind and also acted out all his anger and fears. Well I held on to my inner solidness although I slipped off now and then and fell deep in to devastation. Ironically my partner was the one that was holding me in those moments and I did let go and sobbed and screamed and felt the despair and anger.
I was not wanted, I was not wanted anymore, how, why? Me the one that had held a joyful, light mood for both of us. Me that was the only one that my partner trusted. Me that had always treated myself and my partner with healthy sweets, good food and healing in so many ways. Me that had introduced my partner to great friends of mine so he would feel welcome and seen.
Oboy I have worked hard for both of us. That does not seem right somehow? I am a grown up and take care of and feel responsible for another grown up that is my partner? Yea something really wrong here.
So good to see the light on the other side of this chaos. Its like the ocean has calmed down and the sun is now shining its warmth on me and yes I am alone in the boat. I have all the space I need to feel free. Being me, not having to bother about another grown up and his heavy moods or reactions cause Im not acting perfect according to his standards.
Ok I see that these parts were present from the very beginning of this relationship but the love made me blind as it always does. My take on relationships are actually that they teach me tons and there are parts in me that has been feed with intimacy and now it is like that reservoir is full and I can keep on going in to life as a new woman even more open and free than 2 years ago. Old parts die and old forgotten beautiful parts has come forward to take part in the next steps of my life.
Luckily my partner was the one that wanted to split up. I can not imagine how it all would have happened if he had hanged on to us and the relationship. I get the sense I have been saved in a magic way. My freedom was saved. I am free! It was horrible but I am grateful for stormy weather because that shows us who we really are.
I want realness in my life!