Man, you are hard on yourself. Pain, is pain, is pain. No matter how you came to be scalded by these experiences, they are no less valid than anyone else’s. You aren’t being a bitch about anything, true strength is in acknowledging how you feel and seeking help. Just try to garner resources for yourself, heal yourself as best you can, talk to someone, hell maybe take some prozac, what do I know? Well, I take that back, I’ve been to therapy the majority of my adult life. I recently found out that my own brother is a paedophile. Ugly, shocking horrible to know. I have found out though, that I have some emotional tools, I know what to do. Even though, I’ve never found anything like that out before, you get those tools and you use them your whole life. I journal, I meditate, I exercise, those things never leave you and now I see that, in spades. I think if you get better, feel things, engage for yourself everything else will fall in to place. As long as you and your wife and family are ok, everything else will come around. If your friends don’t then, maybe they’re optional. I’m grateful for the people that do what you did, thank you. I have no doubt that you’ve made more of a difference to people than you know.
I hope you can find a way to love life again, you deserve that. Thank you for sharing your story it’s very powerful. Weird aside, I live in Wyoming.