July 10, 2017-Day 90
I had set the alarm this morning at 5:20 am to see Mitch off before he went fishing with Kyle. But I couldn’t get my tired butt out of bed. Instead, I listened to him close the door to the garage and drifted off to sleep. When did that start happening? I was always the Mom who got up before everyone. I would never just sleep alway as one of the kids left for the day.
I then awoke to Sandy kisses and Daisy kisses and then the alarm going off at 6:20. So down the stairs we went and outside so they could take care of their business. What a beautiful morning. Mike then went out with Flower to get the newspaper. Seeing him walk down the driveway, I thanked Jesus for another beautiful day with him.
I have watched myself every day going through the motions. Checking off things to do on the chalkboard. Laundry, take pups for a walk, pick up groceries, cleaning, watering the garden, assigning chores to the kids, etc. One day leading to the next. Trying to fill the hours of the day. Keeping myself occupied. My mind thinking only of the next thing that needs to be done. And now my latest obsession, audio books. Making sure my mind is completely occupied the majority of the hours of the day. What’s wrong with silence? Stillness? Reflection?
Today is Day 90 Post Transplant. Hard to believe I have made it. With the exception of a few visitors, and a few friends who have joined me in my walks (love you and you know who you are), and my doctors appointments at Dana Farber, I have been pretty much in isolation since before I went in for my transplant in the beginning of April. I can only be outside in the early morning hours or late in the afternoon. The heat and the sun makes my body feel itchy and have a burning sensation which is so uncomfortable. This most likely is caused by the immunosuppressants I’m on. So this means no trips to the ocean for me this summer, unless maybe on a rainy or cool and cloudy day. I am sill prohibited from going to indoor crowded spaces. So no shopping, no restaurants, no museums, no concerts, no movies, you get the picture. Some days I can’t bare to look on social media. Photos of everyone just living and enjoying and doing normal things that normal people do in the summer. Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful I am not stuck in a hospital room hooked up to chemo. I am grateful for those morning hours I can breathe in the fresh air. Food restrictions have been lifted. The summer harvest of fresh berries and corn, never tasted so good. Grabbing an ice cream or enjoying the occasional take out. It’s incredible. I am so grateful and I don’t take it for granted.
So here I am today, Day 90. Not only have I made it, but I’m thriving. I have completely resumed taking care of all the daily duties of keeping an organized fully stocked house for a family of 6 plus 3 dogs. I have mastered online shopping. My pantry has never looked more stocked and more organized. My refrigerator is filled with healthy organic foods. Every week I plan out the weekly menus, order my groceries, and get cooking. Heck, even the puppies have a freezer and refrigerator filled with homemade healthy treats. I have had the kids help me go through closets, drawers and bins, simplifying and donating unused items. Every morning, rain or shine I load up the dogs with the harnesses and head out on our walks. Mike gave me his Apple Watch to wear and now I’m tracking my mileage and steps. Some days I am up to over 20,000 steps! And usually close to 10 miles a day. Who knew vacuuming, watering the garden, and cleaning would add so many steps? I guess I am now realizing why my legs are so stiff at the end of the day and why I can barely move them first thing in the morning.
Most people probably would dream of having the time to have a home as organized and clean as mine. And I must admit the organization certainly balances the chaos that is inevitable with 4 teenagers and 3 dogs at home while hubby works in our home office.
I manage to hold it together during the day with the help of all the daily tasks to be done. But as I wash up for bed, the wall comes crumbling down. There has to be more? How much more of this can I take? I am so tired and sad watching life just pass by. It’s just not fair. Tears roll down my face. Some nights, Mike finds me upstairs in a puddle of tears. He holds me tight. He encourages me about how well I am doing and how far I have come. He tells me what a great day I had. He thanks me for all that I do and reminds me how our home and our family doesn’t function well without me. He always knows just how to make me feel better. And with his reassurance my tears dry up and I breathe….
