The 2016 Election: Ridiculous Rump and The Media Deal of the Century
Recently I came across a transcript of a meeting between Ridiculous Rump the Reality Star and the chairmen and women of the biggest media conglomerates in the world. The meeting took place sometime during the summer of 2015.
Mr. Libby Dem, HCNN’s chairman starts the meeting. “So Ridiculous Rump the Reality Star, do you have a proposal for us? We hear it’s a reality show about the election, and that it will make us lots of money.”
“Oh yes. Not only will it make you money, it won’t cost you a dime,” Ridiculous Rump answers.
“What will we call it?” Mr. Ru Murmur, FoxTrues’ chairman asks.
“Well, at first I thought ‘The Ramazing Republican Race’ would be a good idea, but then I realized we might get in trouble since there’s already a reality show on tv with a similar name. So, I thought, the public already knows and loves me from my other reality show, ‘Apprehend Us,’ so why not just title the show after me, Ridiculous Rump the Reality Star?”
“But isn’t the show supposed to be about the election?” FoxTrues’ chairman, Mr. Murmur asks. “Shouldn’t we call it, ‘Ridiculous Rump the Reality Star Runs in the Republican Race?”
“It’s about the election, but it really is about me. And if you get everyone to pay attention to me, they will forget about how bad all the Democrats are.”
“Great,” HCNN’s Chairman Mr. Dem says. “I like any show idea that makes people forget about how bad the Democrats are. It’s so hard to convince people that Hill isn’t that bad. By the way, Ridiculous Rump the Reality Star, can we just call you ‘Rump’ for short?”
“How about ‘The Rump?’ That’s what all my good friends call me,” Rump replies.
“Okay Mr. Rump, I mean, The Rump. Give us a run-down of a timeline and some of the episodes the audience will see,” Mr. Dem says.
“We will start this summer and promote the show with an episode titled ‘Racist Remarks,’ in which I offend all kinds of people. Everyone is fair game. That will get the public, and the world, interested in me and the show. I will even offend the Pope. That will bring the huge Catholic audience to the show, and will dovetail into the Academy Awards. Now, you will have to get the Academy to choose that movie about the bad Catholic Church as best picture.” Rump takes a breath and sips his bottle of Rump Water. “Then we will continue with ‘Rants on Republicans,’ because, as you know, everyone hates Republicans.”
“Stop right there, Mr. Rump!” FoxTrues’ chairman Mr. Murmur yells.
“You mean, ‘The Rump,” Rump interrupts.
“Okay, The Rump, I happen to like Republicans. I don’t like that idea for a segment,” Mr. Murmur says.
“But it will make you LOTS of money. And you too, Mr. Dem. And you too Mrs. Huffy Postal.”
“Okay, I want to hear more,” Mrs. Huffy Postal says.
“Another episode will be titled, ‘Ruby is a Riot.’ In this episode I will get one of the Republicans, Mark Ruby, to bring up the fact that I have small hands. This will allow me to talk about my manhood. You see, everyone knows I am a manly man.”
“Really? I thought you were a sissy,” CABC’s chairman Mr. Cute Mouse says.
“Am not! I…”
Mrs. Huffy Postal interrupts, “Enough. I know your ex-wives. I can picture how comical this will be.”
“Maybe that won’t be an episode,” Rump retorts.
“No, this has to be part of the package, we will have to bleep out some parts if we show it during family hour, but that episode sounds great!” Mr. Dem says. “Now tell us some others.”
“For several episodes I will need your help with staging some debates on your tv stations. But they won’t be real debates, because I don’t know how to debate. And remember, this is all about me: Ridiculous Rump the Reality Star. So no matter how many people are in the debate, 90% of the show has to be devoted to me, The Rump.”
“Okay. But I thought most people don’t like boring debates?” PEEBS’ chairwoman asks.
“These definitely won’t be boring. In one debate I plan to tell the world that I will make our military torture our enemies. In another I will talk about building a wall around our country, and in another I…”
“Wait, a wall around our country?” Mrs. Huffy Post interrupts. “Wouldn’t that be expensive?”
“We have walls and they don’t do anything,” PEEBS’ chairwoman answers.
“It doesn’t matter. Everyone will be talking about me, Ridiculous Rump and my rude remarks. Hey, that gives me an idea! That will be the title of another episode. And in that one I will make sure I tell the other Republicans running that they are ugly, fat, and stupid. It will be so much fun! Just like junior high when kids said those things to me.”
“But aren’t you in your 60’s now?” PEEBS’ chairwoman asks. “Don’t you think that is immature?”
“And aren’t you in your 100’s now, Miss Pee Pee B. S.?” Rump starts laughing.
Before PEEBS’ chairwoman can speak, Mr. Murmur pipes in, “Remember, it’s all about the money. People will eat this stuff up. We’ll get great ratings. We’ll sell tons of advertising. And roll in the dough.”
“But what about the election, the country, the presidency? Don’t any of you care about the future of the Republican and Democrat parties?” PEEBS’ chairwoman asks.
“They are both the same. Who cares about the parties. All we care about is our party, the we-will-rake-in-the-money party of 2016,” Mr. Murmur says gleefully.
“Okay, okay, I think I am sold on this idea, Mr. Rump, I mean, The Rump. But how does this reality show end?” asks Mrs. Huffy Postal.
“I can guarantee people will follow me throughout the election and I might even get elected, because remember, everyone loves me, Rump the Ridiculous Reality Star. But I plan a really great ending and I already have sponsors lined up for the grand finale. A small country in South America needs publicity so they can expand tourism so I will be taking all my followers there. I haven’t quite found an airline yet who will sponsor us, but I will get everyone down there somehow. And there’s this old drink company that wants to regain its market share. I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth so I never drank the stuff. What’s it called again? Kool Maid? No, that was my last girlfriend. Kool Grade? Nope, that was what I asked for when I handed out a bribe. Oh yeah, I remember. Fool Aid! That red drink. We’re going to give it to all our followers once we get down to South America! We’ll all make millions!
“Mr. Rump, YOU are a financial genius.”
Copyright March 19, 2016
New Mexico (and yes, we are part of the United States of America and I love the name of our state.)