Giving the Finger to Cancer and Chronic Disease: A Script for Recovery

In February, they found a spot on my kidney that looked “suspicious.” They found it incidentally when I was being evaluated for gallbladder disease. I wasn’t too upset because I thought this was a huge mistake. More tests, more suspicious results. More denial from me because, hey, I felt too good to have cancer. I was fit. I go to see the surgeon with my husband, and I am agreeable with the biopsy because it will prove me right. Then, my husband asks, “What is the worst case scenario?” I almost fell out of my chair. What the fuck? I would have never asked that question nor did I want an answer. Without skipping a beat, the surgeon starts explaining that he would have to cut through my ribs to get to the mass and take it out. At this point, I am thinking okay, both of you mother fuckers can move on because no one is cutting my ribs. I mentally checked out.

Well, in April, I ended up having a partial kidney removal, and the tissue was positive for renal cell cancer. BUT, no one cut my ribs. Through the process, I had a friend who said she would keep me in her thoughts. I told her to, instead, hold up her arm (straight up — not like a neo-nazi — fuck that) and fly the one finger salute into the air on my behalf. She laughed, but I think that is what got me through cancer. I was angry, but I was also laughing. I had a choice of whether to cry and become paralyzed or laugh and fight.

Once the cancer was removed and I was pronounced “cancer free,” the nasty thoughts crept in. “What if” it comes back and I don’t know? After all, I had no symptoms the first time. “What if” it spreads? “What if” I need surgery again? (While I am not providing every detail, the surgery wasn’t fun….lost the ability to pee on my own, multiple catheterizations, no one on the floor missed seeing my hind end, woman with dementia crying aloud in the room all day and night… you get the picture). I had to nip all of that in the bud because no way in hell was I going to live my life (or not live my life) based on fear. This experience is not unique to cancer. People with all kinds of chronic diseases have fears about loss of control, loss of independence, pain, and mobility. My issue was self-image. I was afraid that if I had cancer, I would be seen by others as sickly or weak (totally my own issue).

I would like to share a self-help script for giving cancer and other chronic diseases the finger:

Huddle up team fucker. This shit’s messed up. You got all kinds of people giving you all kinds of opinions, but in the end, this is your choice. You choose what direction to take, and you choose what kind of face to put on. You choose if it becomes a disease of the mind, as well as the body. You didn’t choose to get sick, and you can’t always control the direction the disease takes. However, you can control whether it takes control of your mind. What else can you control? Dig deep. Can you muster the energy to fight — to push back? Even if you feel like the disease is a result of not taking care of yourself, that is the past. Fuck that. This is here and this is now. What are you going to do with this moment? Remember that your health care providers are there to help you — not dictate your life. Listen to your own intuition — your gut. Don’t let anyone make you feel less than, stupid, or guilty. ASK QUESTIONS! This is your life and your body. Don’t isolate yourself. You have people who care about you. Will you accept their help, their support gracefully, or will you be an ass? Whose team will you play on? When scary thoughts creep it, slap the shit out of them. If fear takes over your life, you won’t really live. You will just react to made up scenarios about bad things that could happen but probably won’t. It’s a waste of time and energy. Deal with today — today. You’re still breathing aren’t you? Sit with that breath. Enjoy it. Look around. See the colors around you. Notice the smells. Notice how you feel. Focus on what you can still do, and don’t give that up today because you are too worried about tomorrow. Envision beating this thing. I used to envision myself running on the treadmill when I felt like I couldn’t go on but did for another minute. YOU CAN DO THIS. You can whip some ass. Despite everything going on, look around. Some things are still good. What do you need to be thankful for? Show everyone what you are about. Give this disease the finger and twist. Move on mother fucker.

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Jodie Eckleberry-Hunt, Ph.D., A.B.P.P.

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Using mindfulness and profanity to feel better. For more fun, follow me on Twitter/Facebook@jeckleberryhunt jodieeckleberryhunt.com

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