What Color is Your Dog’s Poop?

Shockingly, a lot of dog owners can answer this question. I was out walking our family dog, Bacon, this morning. As is his custom, he stopped to potty, and I noted it was a little runny, though not strangely colored. My mind began to race. What if he has diarrhea again? The staff at daycare told me he had diarrhea this week. What if the giardia is back? Maybe I should call the vet, who already has a retirement account based on our visits alone. I am sure the vet has diagnosed my codependency with Bacon and probably thinks I have Munchausen by proxy. We are not going there. MOMF.
See how anxiety works? And, what is it about dog owners? I monitor his bowel movements more than my own, and my internet searches on the topic yield pages so I know I am not alone. I have a whole medicine drawer dedicated to this dog. When I am not worried about my health or that of my family, I focus on the dog. Just now, my son called me over to see that Bacon’s face is bleeding from scratching due to allergies. I had to give him Benadryl. Everyone is focused on Bacon.

I have only been a dog owner for two years. This is all new to me, but we are so proud of Bacon. At the Paw Palace, where he attends daycare, people stop me to ask if I am Bacon’s mom. I beam. My kids brag that Bacon is everyone’s friend. He is known like Norm at Cheers. He has never gone to time out, and he was selected to represent the Paw Palace on a recent Bastille Day race in town. I went to take a photo by his sign, and two people stopped me to ask if I was Bacon’s mom. “Well, yes. Yes I am,” I said.
What the hell is this? I must have reached the pinnacle of neurotic middle class, but I can’t stop myself. Don’t get me wrong. I love my kids and think they are special. However, I have long accepted that they are probably average. It’s the bell curve. However, when people tell me how smart and well-behaved Bacon is, I feel as if I can take entire credit. That’s it, you know, Bacon is that representation for me and my family what we know we will never be. He is loved by everyone. He is exceptionally smart and popular. He is apolitical and nonjudgmental. He can melt your heart with a look, and he loves without end. Bacon is what we all long for but must acknowledge we cannot be. So for now, I guess we will have to channel through him and let that be enough.
At the same time, we can learn some things from him. He doesn’t care how he looks. He doesn’t care what others think. He doesn’t stress eat. His sleep is uninterrupted, and he is always ready to play. He is himself. Next time I find myself worrying about meaningless stuff, I’m going to think of his facial expression when I am watching him poop, “Please move on mother fucker.”

