Middle-aged FAQ

Hello! Thank you so much for joining us in middle age. Ladies, we can open a window if you begin to feel warm. Gentlemen, the restroom is in the back.

Do I have to “get” Twitter, quinoa, Angry Birds, steampunk, weird piercings? No. But, on the other hand, you don’t want to listen to Hall & Oats, either. Try to find a middle ground, say, couscous and Adele.

Why does my ___________ do that/look like that now/hurt? This is permanent, and will be masked by medication which you will one day put in a plastic, compartmentalized box.

Why can’t I eat that anymore? There are many reasons, from Remember that time in the Denver airport?

Am I smarter than my younger colleagues, or just more cyncial? Yes.

What about yoga pants? Fraught with peril.

Is it OK to date/have an affair/leer manically at someone half my age? Do you really want to be that teacher on the news?

Why can’t I run/have sex/do yoga/tie my shoes the way I used to? Actually, you were never that great at those things.

My parents forget everything. Meanwhile, my children aren’t leaving home. Both of these are undodgeable. However, you can sigh a lot.

It's more than a feeling when I hear that old song they used to play. Awesome, turn it up.

The couples in the Viagra and Cialis ads seem so happy. You’re allowed to hate them.

Will I have to wear ugly shoes for the rest of my life now? Yes. On the other hand, they’re expensive.

Were ballplayers better in my day? Hell yes they were. And without steroids, too.

My friend got a sports car/weird pet/tattoo/skateboarding lover. Wait three months and console while saying “I tried to tell you…”

How come Harrison Ford and Tom Cruise get to still do all that stuff? It ain’t right.

If I pretend I’m not getting older, will that work for a while and then I can just die happy? Many, many users have tried this. The problem is sustainability. (See Who: “Hope I die before I get old.”)

That’s not even music. You have a point.