Game of Game of Thrones Week 2

Featuring no deaths, but lots of drinking, insults and sex

8 min readApr 23, 2019

It’s the calm before the storm in Winterfell, which means violence was sadly absent from this week’s episode. However, this just left our beloved characters more time to drink, yell at and have sex with each other! As a friend put it — “Welcome to Winterfuck.” Read on to see who’s in the lead, who’s falling behind and who’s doomed to die next episode!
(week 1 recap, season preview)

Littlefinger Memorial Leaderboard

Chaos is a ladder — let’s see who has managed to climb the highest so far. Will they be able to hold on, or will they plummet to their doom?

Toast for the Toast God (Sarah I), (2–0–0), 60 points
A cold boi haz no name (Jamie), (1–1–0), 130 points
Chaos is a StairMaster (Tom), (1–1–0), 120 points

Upset city! It’s chaos at the top of the scoreboard, as four of the five winners from last week took a loss. The only team to keep the winning streak alive is Toast for the Toast God. This team has scored the 3rd-fewest points in the league, but has somehow scraped together enough to stay in the lead. Counting weeks 6 & 7 of the 2017 season, Toast for the Toast God has gone on a four game winning streak — can anyone stop the hottest team in Westeros? Rounding out the Top 3 are A cold boi haz no name and Chaos is a StairMaster, who lead the crowd of (1–1–0) teams thanks to the absurd number of points they scored this week.

Tywin Lannister Memorial Most Valuable Player

Some play the game of thrones, some master it. These are the characters that absolutely dominated the episode. Enjoy their rule until they get murdered by some random scrub.

Arya Stark [A cold boi haz no name], 75 points (Sex/Nudity 35, Wits 30, Food/Drink 10)

What a powerhouse performance from the littlest Stark! The Girl Who Has No Name came into this season with high expectations as a violence machine, so you wouldn’t have necessarily expected her to dominate in a quieter episode like this. However, Arya showed she doesn’t need Needle to rack up major points — she drank (10 points), got Gendry to come correct (20 points) and told the Hound to shut up (10 points). Most importantly, she hooked up with Gendry (35 points), fulfilling the dreams of Gendrya shippers all across Tumblr. 10 points to Gryffindor, take a bow.

Season MVP:

Beric Dondarrion [The Leeches Full of Gendry’s Blood Memorial Team] , 85 points
Arya Stark [A cold boi haz no name], 75 points

Olenna Tyrell Memorial Wittiest Player

If you come at the Queen of Thorns, you best not miss — otherwise she’ll level you with a vicious burn. This award honors those who keep Olenna’s legacy alive by being absolute savages to friends, foes and anyone who looks at them twice.

Daenerys Targaryen [Toast for the Toast God], 40 points
Bow down to the Queen of Owns, Breaker of Souls and Mother of Burns! Daenerys finally got so fed up with everyone’s bullshit that she spent the entire episode insulting everyone. She insults Jamie (10 points), owns Tyrion (20 points), makes fun of Jon for being short (5 points) and calls out Sansa (15 points). Lions and wolves, both get equally burned when the dragon comes out to play. Behind Daenerys’ snark, Toast for the Toast God pulled out a close win against The Leeches, despite Beric’s drinking (10 points) and Lyanna Mormont’s savage owns (10 points).
Sansa Stark [Jorah the Explorer], Arya Stark [A cold boi haz no name], Bran Stark [Chaos is a StairMaster], 30 points
Man, when did the Stark kids get so witty? The normally dour and staid Northerners really got at it this episode. We’ve already covered Arya, but her siblings came to play as well. Sansa Stark more than held her own in her snark session with Daenerys (30 points), and Bran got his by consistently owning Jaime (30 points).
Tyrion Lannister [Cleganebowl Confirmed], 25 points
Thankfully, this seems like the episode when the writers remembered Tyrion used to be really, really funny. The Littlest Lion owned his brother (10 points), threw in some callback catchphrases (5 points), reminisced about Season 1 (5 points) and led the group in a joint nostalgia session (5 points).

Stannis Baratheon Memorial Highest Status Character

Gold, sex and swords are all the flashy things characters accumulate in Westeros. But the only real currency that matters is cold, hard power. These are the characters who have amassed the most power — for now.

Jorah Mormont [All That Glitters is Cold], 50 points
The disgraced oldest scion of the Mormont family has spent most of this show falling out of favor in some way or another. But that all changed this week, when Jorah gets a real deal Valyrian steel sword from Samwell Tarly. Now, with Heartsbane in hand, Jorah’s one of a handful of warriors in the world able to go toe-to-toe with a White Walker. Not bad for the disgraced former slaver! Behind Jorah’s points and some solid wits, drinking and come-ons from Tormund Giantsbane (35 points), All That Glitters is Cold skated to an easy victory over Mr. Victarion, despite The Hound’s wits and drinking (25 points).
Ser Brienne of Tarth [Chaos is a StairMaster], 45 points
Right behind Jorah Mormont is another character who’s spent most of the show on the bottom of the totem pole. However, things are on the upswing now for the biggest, strongest and most loyal character on the show. Brienne takes second place behind a well-deserved knighthood (25 points), as well as being named the official MVP of the show (20 points).

Thoros of Myr Memorial Drunkest Player

What would Westeros be without vats of ale and barrels of wine? These characters remind us all that we don’t have to be the bravest people in the world — just the drunkest.

Arya Stark and Theon Greyjoy [A cold boi haz no name], Beric Dondarrion [The Leeches Full of Gendry’s Blood Memorial Team], Jaime Lannister and Tyrion Lannister [Cleganebowl Confirmed], Podrick Payne [Chaos is a StairMaster], Sansa Stark [Jorah the Explorer], The Hound [Mr. Viserion, Tear Down That Wall], Tormund Giantsbane [All That Glitters is Cold], 10 points
I just wanted to shoutout all the characters who decided to celebrate their last night alive by getting hammered. Proud of y’all — good luck next week, fighting White Walkers is a great way to cure your hangover!

Brotherhood without Banners Memorial Teamwork Award

There’s a lot of betrayal in Game of Thrones, but sometimes people actually work together! This award celebrates the rare times we see genuine collaboration within a team — enjoy it until they all get murdered by The Mountain.

The Onion Knights: Shallot We Begin? [Sarah C]
This is a team with just a lot of solid players across the board, and it showed this week. Team Captain Davos Seaworth got a solid quip in (10 points), as did Grey Worm (10 points). And then, being offstage didn’t stop Yara Greyjoy from contributing, as she joined the Winterfell alliance, seizing the Iron Islands for Dany (15 points). All in all, great team effort, with no easy outs. With this level of team effort, The Onion Knights ran over Watch The Iron Throne, despite some solid jokes from Ed Tollett (5 points).

Robb Stark Memorial Good Job, Good Effort Award

Sometimes in the Game of Thrones, you try your best, but it just doesn’t work out. Your opponent is just a little faster, a little better, just has a bit of an edge. Your reward is nothing, because Game of Thrones does not reward second place.

Jorah the Explorer [40 points]

Riding their dominating week 1 win, and with a strong performance from Sansa Stark (40 points), Jorah the Explorer had reason to feel confident heading into their matchup. Unfortunately, they ran into a buzzsaw in Cleganebowl Confirmed and their feared Lannister lineup. Tyrion was the headliner with his wits (25 points) and drinking (10 points), but Jaime also came in hot with wits (5 points), joining the alliance (15 points) and drinking (10 points). Jorah the Explorer is unfortunate to come away from that matchup with nothing — but sometime’s, them’s the breaks.

Oberyn Martell Memorial Close Game Award

Blowouts are exciting, but we all know the best parts of sports are the games that go right down to the wire. These are the matchups that were buzzer-beaters, close games, and nailbiters right to the end.

Chaos is a StairMaster [120 points] vs A cold boi haz no name [110 points]

Wow, what a game. This was probably the game of the season, if not the best in league history. In one corner, A cold boi haz no name, #4 team in 2017, coming off a close win in Week 1. In the other, defending champions Chaos is a StairMaster, looking for their first win. We knew this would be a good match going in — we just didn’t know HOW good!

A cold boi haz no name came in hot with Arya’s dominating performance (75 points), which was supplemented by Theon joining the alliance at Winterfell (15 points), promising to defend Bran (10 points) and drinking (10 points). Facing them was Chaos is a StairMaster, who put forth a total team effort. With their season on the line, Brienne got knighted (25 points) and insulted Jamie (5 points), Bran insulted Jamie (30 points), Gendry got laid (30 points) and Podrick drank (10 points).

This was a huge team output — but it still left Chaos is a StairMaster with 100 points, staring down A cold boi with 110 points. All was headed for disappointment for the defending champs: an 0–2 start, two close games with nothing to show, repeat championship aspirations in tatters. But then, with 0.1 seconds on the clock, Ser Brienne of Tarth was named the official MVP of the episode (20 points). Final score: Chaos is a StairMaster 120, A cold boi haz no name 110.

Ballgame. Pandemonium on the court. Fans rush Brienne, who had such a disappointing 2017 season, but came up so big in the clutch. Does this spell a return to championship form for Chaos is a StairMaster? And how does A cold boi bounce back from this gut-punch loss? Tune in next week to find out!

End of Blog Post

That’s it! This blog post is done. Tune in next week, after the Battle of Winterfell, to see who made it and who didn’t, and whose on track to win the Game of Game of Thrones!

Sworn to Lannister,
Jefferson