Game of Thrones Fantasy Mid-Season Update
Obviously, SPOILERS and all.
Stephen A. Smith: Now Skip.
Skip Bayless: MMhm.
Stephen: You know I appreciate all that Tyrion has done so far.
Skip: Yes.
Stephen: But I think it’s time to ask — is the Imp overrated?
Skip: EXCUSE ME?! I’m sorry, how can you say he’s overrated when he took down Tywin Lannister, the greatest Game of Thrones player of all time?
Stephen: DON’T COME IN HERE SAYING TYWIN LANNISTER’S THE GREATEST EVER WHEN JON SNOW IS STANDING RIGHT THERE!
Skip: JON SNOW? YOU’RE REALLY GOING TO SAY JON SNOW IS THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME?
Stephen: HE CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD, SKIP. HE. CAME. BACK. FROM. THE. DEAD.
Skip: I CANNOT BELIEVE-
Daenerys: DRACARYS!!!
[Drogon swoops down, incinerates both of them. Cari Champion sighs in relief. Now her watch is ended.]
Welcome! We are halfway through one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done, and let me tell you, this season of Game of Game of Thrones Fantasy has been FANTASTIC so far.
As a quick recap, here’s the deal — twelve of us are playing, and at the beginning of the season each of us drafted four characters. Each week teams face off head-to-head. Characters score points by murdering people, dying memorably, having sex, insulting people, doing magic, gaining political power, and drinking, because Game of Thrones is the best show of all time. All scoring is done by The Verge, so complain to them if you dislike the arbitrary and stupid scoring for a game that objectively does not matter.
Enough talk! Let’s get to the awards and the standings.
*= deceased
Tywin Lannister Memorial Most Valuable Player
There’s winning, and then there’s WINNING — these are the characters who crushed all the competition so far this season. Enjoy their dominance before they get murked by some random douchebag.
- Euron Greyjoy [Killer Queen(s) {Erin}]–160 points (Violence 115, Sex 10, Wits 10, Status 25)
YOOOOOOO GIT SOME GREYJOY! The Sex Pirate has COME TO PLAY, murdering so, so many people. But violence isn’t enough to make you the MVP in the Game of Game of Thrones — you need to have a well-rounded performance to take the crown, and Euron supplemented his murder sprees by getting himself promoted to commander of the royal navy, hitting on Cersei constantly and mercilessly roasting Jamie. Bravura performance — can he keep it up in the second half?
2. Grey Worm [What is Dead May Never Die {Jefferson}] — 140 points (Violence 50, Sex 30, Status 60)
Woah! Out of nowhere performance from War Boy Grey Worm, who has massively outperformed his expectations as a second-round draft pick. Grey Worm scored some solid points by hooking up with Missandei in the second episode. He then continued his impressive performance by taking Casterly Rock and killing a bunch of Lannister soldiers along the way. Can Grey Worm sustain this level of performance, or is this a Linsanity-like flash in the pan from someone projected as a secondary option at best?
3. Jamie Lannister [Gray Scales Are Gonna Clear Up {Tom}] — 135 points (Violence 25, Sex 40, Wits 5, Status 60, Food 5)
Jamie had been underperforming for a solid two weeks, leading to open speculation that Tom’s first-round draft pick was a bust. Jamie soundly quashed those whispers in the third episode, in which the elder Lannister brother had sex with his sister, sacked Highgarden, killed Olenna Tyrell and drank some wine. That’s the kind of performance that shows why you can never count out the Lannisters, no matter how big your lead is.
Rickon Stark Memorial Least Valuable Player
Alas, for every badass and smartass in Game of Thrones, there’s at least one useless character. Keep them and they might turn it around — or they might be just as useless for the rest of the show.
- Samwell Tarly [Toast for the Toast God {Sarah Ingraham}], -20 points (Status -25, Food 5)
Goddamnit Sam. Tarly has done some things to advance the plot, but you don’t get points for advancing the narrative in the Game of Game of Thrones. You DO lose points for being part of the only elaborate poop montage I’ve ever seen. So, that is certainly something. Go back to your corner and keep transcribing books forever.
Khal Drogo Memorial Most Violent Player
Chopping off hands, slashing faces, disemboweling, beheadings — it’s all in a day’s work for these characters. Let’s appreciate the players who make us very glad that we don’t live in Westeros.
- Euron Greyjoy [Killer Queen(s) {Erin}] — Violence 115
Well I mean obviously. The Sex Pirate is, after all, a pirate, and he ran up the score in episode 2, murdering a bunch of red shirts (50 points), strangling Nymeria Sand with her own whip (25 points), impaling Obara Sand with her own spear (25 points) and capturing Yara (15 points). It’s going to be real hard to dethrone Euron — but stranger things have happened!
2. The Field — Violence 50
Huge backlog of people tied for second-most violent, either for killing a large number of anonymous people (Arya, Theon, Yara, Grey Worm) or dying memorably (Obara Sand*, Olenna Tyrell*). Let’s see if anyone’s able to separate from the pack in the second half.
Shae Memorial Sexiest Player Award
“I watch Game of Thrones mainly for the intricate storytelling!” — said no one ever. Let’s be real, we’re all here for HBO-approved nudity; these are the players who went above and beyond bringing sexy back to Westeros.
- Cersei Lannister [What is Dead May Never Die {Jefferson}] — Sex 50
YASSSS QWEEEEEEN!!! The Mad Queen takes Sexiest Player by hooking up with her brother (25 points) and going full-frontal nudity (25 points). I hope you weren’t expecting something different — you gotta know you have to #LetCerseiBeCersei.
2. Jamie Lannister [Gray Scales Are Gonna Clear Up {Tom}] and Missandei [You Know Nothing Julie Solomon {Julie}] — Sex 40
We have a two-way tie for second, right behind Cersei (all puns very much intended). Jamie gets extra points for hooking up with his sister (25 points) but only went partial nudity (15 points), while Missandei went full-frontal (25 points) when she hooked up with Grey Worm (15 points). The award is there to be taken from Cersei, though — does anyone want it enough?
Olenna Tyrell Memorial Wittiest Player Award
Sure, getting incinerated by a dragon is very painful — but getting roasted in front of all of HBO might be even worse. These are the characters who brought the zingers in the first half of the season.
- Jon Snow [Call Me Stannis {Jamie} — Wits 35
Wait, really? *checks scoreboard* *checks scoreboard again* huh, I guess that’s right. We have a surprise winner for first-half wittiest player! Ser Mopes-a-Lot takes this award at the break for telling Sansa to shut up (10 points), threatening to kill Littlefinger (10 points), snarking at Tyrion (5 points) and telling Daenerys what’s up (10 points). Go figure — this game is full of surprises.
2. Sansa Stark [Darth Tarth and the Queens of Ice and Darkness {Izzy}] — Wits 30
Okay, this makes a little more sense. The coolest Stark kid in Winterfell (by far) gets second place thanks to telling Littlefinger to shut up (10 points), telling Littlefinger to shut up (10 points) and telling Jon he’s a moron (10 points). Solid spread — she should probably go ahead and just murder Littlefinger though, TBH.
3. Olenna Tyrell* [The Onion Knights {Sarah Collogne}] — Wits 20
I named this award after her, so you knew she had to show up! The Queen of Thorns, Olenna Tyrell, the OG Queen of Snark, went out with a bang in the first half of the season, insulting Tyrion (5 points), Jamie (10 points) and Joffrey (5 points). Yeah, fuck the Lannisters. RIP Queen of Burns.
Walder Frey Memorial Food and Drink Award
Game of Thrones — keeping fictional vineyards in business since Season 1. These are the characters who drank/ate the most in the first half of the season.
1.Cersei Lannister [What is Dead May Never Die {Jefferson}] — Food/Drink 15
Lol like anyone is taking this award from Cersei.
2. Arya Stark [Know-Nothing Party — Food/Drink 10
Arya’s going to try her best though! She sticks close behind Cersei by eating some rabbit and some meat pie — but let’s be real, nobody is taking this from Cersei.
Robert Baratheon Memorial Leaderboard
And now finally — the standings! In the Game of Game of Thrones, you either win or we make fun of you mercilessly. Let’s see whose on top of the ladder…for now. All picks are in draft order.
1.What is Dead May Never Die (Jefferson) — (3–0–0), 240 points
- Cersei Lannister (100 points)
- Grey Worm (140 points)
- Bronn (0 points)
- Robin Arryn (0 points)
First-round draft pick Cersei Lannister has had a powerhouse performance, and on most other teams she would be the undisputed first option, but Grey Worm’s stunning emergence is the story of the first half and he has been the teams highest scorer by far. Will these two alphas be able to coexist, or will disputes over playing time, contract extensions and locker room leadership tear the team apart? And will Bronn or Robin Arryn show up?
First-half MVP: Grey Worm
2. Darth Tarth And The Queen of Ice And Darkness (Izzy) — (3–0–0), 110 points
- Sansa Stark (55 points)
- Brienne of Tarth (0 points)
- Podrick Payne (0 points)
- Obara Sand* (55 points)
It’s not just that Sansa’s had a solid performance, with 55 points — it’s that she’s scored points in every single episode, helping Darth Tarth to grind out a couple close wins. Brienne and Podrick have been no-shows so far, but Obara Sand’s has scored the most points of any fourth-round pick, eating a spear in episode two to give her team a solid win. That’s how you take one for the team.
First-half MVP: Sansa Stark
3. You Know Nothing Julie Solomon (Julie) — (2–0–1), 120 points
- Missandei (40 points)
- Beric Dondarrion (0 points)
- Theon Greyjoy (55 points)
- Tycho Nestoris (0 points) midseason acquisition, replaces Alys Karstark (25 points)
Some thought Missandei was a reach at pick #3 in the draft, but she’s repaid Julie’s faith in her with a solid output. Theon Greyjoy has been the real surprise as a 3rd round pick, notching an impressive number of points to carry the team to victory. Alys Karstark was a solid 4th round pick, securing an unexpected 25 points for the team, however she was recently traded away in a salary dump to make space for new acquisition Tycho Nestoris. This team has been the Cinderella story of the first half — a small-market, unheralded team without a lot of big names that’s surprised everyone so far — can they keep it up?
First-half MVP: Theon Greyjoy
4. Killer Queen(s) [Erin] — (2–1–0), 220 points
- Euron Greyjoy (160 points)
- Yara Greyjoy (60 points)
- Jaqen H’ghar (0 points)
- Ed Tollett (0 points)
YOOOOOOO GREYJOY!!!! Erin stacked her team with Greyjoys, and her gamble has paid off so far. This is the Euron Greyjoy team and the consensus first-half MVP and most violent player has brought it on every single episode. Don’t sleep on Yara Greyjoy either — she’s provided a solid complementary presence, giving this team one of the best 1–2 punches in the league. The question is, can they find anyone to complement the Greyjoys? Ed and Jaqen haven’t contributed anything — will Erin stick with these two? Go looking for bench help? Or just ride a very short rotation through the rest of the season? One thing is for sure — no one is looking forward to playing Killer Queen(s) right now.
First-half MVP: Euron Greyjoy
5. Call Me Stannis (Jamie) — (2–1–0) 115 points
- Jon Snow (50 points)
- Tormund Giantsbane (30 points)
- Melisandre (0 points)
- Harrag (35 points)
#1 pick Jon Snow has had a decent first half, with points in almost every episode — but really, from the first pick overall you’d expect an even stronger performance, so he’s underperforming a bit. Jon’s been helped by his teammates, though — solid contributions from Tormund Giantsbane and Harrag have helped carry the team to a solid first-half record. Jamie has built a well-rounded team — no overwhelming stars here, but there are no easy outs anywhere on the lineup.
First-half MVP: Jon Snow
6. Jason Shain (Rob {Goddamnit Rob}) — (2–1–0), 45 points
- Varys (10 points)
- Lyanna (10 points)
- Qyburn (25 points)
- Gilly (0 points)
This is one of the lowest-scoring team in the leagues, but right now they’re sitting pretty with two wins — how, you might ask, has that happened? Well, whether by accident or by design (definitely by design), Rob has built himself a pretty weird team! This team isn’t going to rack up the bodies, have a lot of sex, amass a ton of political power, or even drink a lot. Just when you’ve let your guard down, though, Qyburn poisons your wine and Lyanna and Varys let loose some savage owns as you lie choking on the ground, and suddenly you’ve lost the game. Their unconventional style flummoxed the league in the first half — will teams be able to adjust to them in the second?
First-half MVP: Qyburn
7. Know-Nothing Party (Jason) — (1–2–0), 155 points
- Arya Stark (120 points)
- The Hound (35 points)
- Petyr Baelish (0 points)
- Thoros of Myr (0 points)
This team leaped out to a dominant lead in the first game behind Arya and the Hound’s overwhelming performance. Since that game, though, Jason’s team has severely underperformed, only scoring 5 points over the past two episodes. Is this a momentary lull, or will the team’s slide continue even further?
First-half MVP: Arya Stark
8. Gray Scales Are Gonna Clear Up (Tom) — (1–2–0), 155 points
- Jaime Lannister (135 points)
- Tyrion Lannister (5 points)
- Ellaria Sand (15 points)
- Randyll Tarly (0 points) midseason acquisition, replaces Marei (0 points), replaces Kinvara (0 points)
If Know-Nothing Party has been on the downturn, Gray Scales is a team on the rise — Tom’s team had been sliding through the first two episodes, with only a little output from Ellaria and Jamie to sustain them, before Jamie’s resounding MVP performance in episode 3 catapulted them to a win. Now the question is, can Jaime sustain his performance? Can Tyrion break out of his first-half slump? And will Tom be able to find anyone to fill the fourth hole in his lineup?
First-half MVP: Jaime Lannister
9. The Onion Knights (Sarah Collogne) — (1–2–0), 110 points
-Davos Seaworth (10 points)
- Dickon Tarly (0 points) midseason acquisition, replaces Olenna Tyrell* (75 points)
- Meera Reed (0 points)
- Nymeria [wolf] (25 points)
This is another team that probably better than their record indicates — while Davos has underperformed, Olenna Tyrell put up a gangbusters performance, and Nymeria has been providing a solid boost from the #4 spot. However, all that changed with the loss of Olenna Tyrell. Dickon Tarly has some BIG shoes to fill — it’s rough losing one of your top performers so early in the game, and this rookie is going to need to get comfortable at this level quickly.
First-half MVP: Olenna Tyrell*
10. Hodorable (aka the Full Monty) (Sam)— (0–1–2), 35 points
- The Mountain (0 points)
- Jorah Mormont (5 points)
- Gendry (0 points)
- Tyene Sand* (probably deceased) (30 points)
Tyene Sand has more than pulled her weight, scoring an excellent 30 points from the bench, and Jorah Mormont has at least tried to contribute as well — but Team Captain Gendry (still rowing forever off the coast of Dragonstone) has apparently warged into the Mountain’s brain and convinced him not to do anything cool, so points have been scarce on the ground for Hodorable. At least this team was able to grind out a scoreless draw in game 3 against You Know Nothing Julie Solomon — that could be good tidings for the second half.
First-half MVP: Tyene Sand
11. Toast for the Toast God (Sarah Ingraham) — (0–0–3), 40 points
- Daenerys Targaryen (40 points)
- Bran Stark (20 points)
- Samwell Tarly (-20 points)
- Edmure Tully
#2 overall pick Daenerys Targaryen has had kind of a similar outing as #1 pick Jon Snow — not a bad performance, but not as overwhelming as hoped for. However, where Jon Snow’s supporting casts have picked them up, Toast for the Toast God’s supporting cast is struggling — Bran is at least trying, but Edmure Tully is a no-show and Sam Tarly is ACTIVELY making things worse. This team has the talent to go on a run — but Daenerys either needs to pull a Euron Greyjoy and put the team on her back, or her teammates are going to need to step up in a major way.
First-half MVP: Daenerys Targaryen
And finally, last and unfortunately least:
Gendry Memorial DNP-Coaches’ Decision Team
Sometimes, your team is just stuck on a boat, rowing in circles eternally. Better luck next episode!
12. Barry White Walkers (Claire) — (0–0–3), 0 points
- The Night King (0 points)
- Benjen Stark (0 points)
- Ghost {wolf} (0 points)
- Koner (o points) midseason acquisition, replaces Daario Naharis (0 points)
YO WHERE THE NIGHT KING AT? (Oh, that’s where he is. Nvm). So far the Night King has been this season’s biggest tease, scaring everyone in the first episode before doing nothing. This team’s got the firepower with Benjen, Night King and Ghost to do some serious wight-on-wight violence, but you need to let the Ice Boys play before they can show some results! Frankly, this is on David Benioff and D.B. Weiss — everyone should tweet angrily at them about this. Hopefully this gets resolved in the second half.
First-half MVP: Team Captain Ghost
End of Blog Post
We’re done, stop reading! Besides, by the time you read this, it’s quite likely that half of these characters will be dead, someone else will be in the lead, and Ser Pounce will be on the Iron Throne, because Game of Thrones is the best show ever.
Check in at the end of the season to see who among us has won the Game of Game of Thrones!
Family, duty, honor,
Jefferson