A Royal Decree From His Majesty King George III Regarding The Commonwealth of Minneapolis
The present state of the state of the Union, it brings me no great joy to report, is one of fantastical disappointment and chaotic disarray. The destruction of joint-stock enterprises AutoZone Incorporated (NYSE: AZO, $1,148.16) and McDonalds Corporation (NYSE: MCD, $186.24) has ironically been met with the same miserly scorn the Sons of Liberty once decried me for. Those Sons of Liberty, who at one time lauded the virtues of destructive protest, must now be lamenting the loss of the tea they so thuggishly steeped in Boston Harbor.
I must confess my delight at this delayed, moralistic satisfaction; these freedom fighters who so brutishly vandalized property of the British East India Company, an innocent and collateral third party to our political feud, have betrayed the cause of freedom that they ostensibly fought a revolution on behalf of. Your “Don’t Tread on Me,” phase during the Revolution seems quite bewildering in hindsight, flying the flag over a little pittance while kneeling squarely down on your citizens’ throats. Black America faces today, after centuries of national independence, its own liberal endeavor, though it cannot be said that draconian police executions are in any way comparable to a meager increase in the price of English breakfast.
Where are the pronouncements of support from those who deify America’s first revolutionaries? They, who wrap themselves tightest in the lessons of America’s Founding Frondeurs, have offered no such essays, no such speeches heralding the brave Minneapolis rebels in their struggle against a militant and unprincipled government — say what you will, my Empire always maintained an honest and principled position in favor of settler colonialism. Instead, these cowardly folk have offered only the unscrupulous condescension of reactionary shabbaroons.
Was it not that most prolific rabble-rouser Thomas Jefferson who once proclaimed —
“Single acts of tyranny may be ascribed to the accidental opinion of a day; but a series of oppressions, begun at a distinguished period, and pursued unalterably through every change of ministers, too plainly prove a deliberate, systematical plan of reducing us to slavery,”
— while possessing as property more than 600 of his fellow human beings? Evidently, even a Jeffersonian commitment to freedom is not enough to escape this great hypocrisy; equality in spirit alone is tantamount to beautifully-lacquered tyranny. Perhaps there is no great hypocrisy; today’s tyrants wrap themselves transparently in a notion of freedom that was hollow and racialized at its inception. But is not America’s principal ideal the empowerment of the oppressed to set the terms of their own liberation?
If you now yearn for tyranny, where terms of law and protest alike are set and enforced by a paternalistic ruling caste, then I advise you to pen to your representatives making clear your dissatisfaction that the Constitution and Declaration of Independence have not yet met the Library of Congress’ document shredder. I will humbly and dutifully oblige your accession back into the Commonwealth, though I harbor reservations about governing a population racked by such primitive, barbaric inequality. If, however, your commitments to egalitarian ideals are sincere, as the Sons of Liberty once took destructive action to make clear, then all the Target Corporation (NYSE: TGT, $120.03) televisions in the New World ought to be a price worth paying for real justice.
To the freedom fighters in Minneapolis, let not these disingenuous saboteurs shame you for demanding the restitution you seek, for their right to criticize and shame black revolution was only won through their acceptance of its white counterpart.