Right. I had about one page to write about anything I wanted. It had to be done fast, fast, fast, only about one page and I had to choose the topic on the spot. And boy, did it go wrong. Here is what I wrote:
This is about air. Yes, air. We use it; it’s nice. I like it (most do) and find it kinda hard to live without. I tried once. It’s a short story really and ended up with paramedics. But I like red, so it was cool. Okay, anyway, air….
Can’t live without it, literally, and that’s why we’re talking. Because all this nonsense about getting rid of it, it’s just a lot of, well, you know…hot air. Which personally I don’t like as much as cool air, because with cool air, you can always put on a sweater, right? But with hot air, once you’re completely naked with all your whatever hanging out all over the place, it just isn’t gonna get any cooler. Catch my snowdrift?
So, again, air. Dang! The topic just keeps escaping me… So I’m going to hold onto a little. Right now, I’m holding it. I wonder how long I can hold it before I turn blue? I wonder if my fingers will keep typing after I pass out? Just keep, you know, moving? Like the twitchy, dead grey fingers still wrapped around the gun of the guy that got his round off just a moment too late. Or the one that got his round off first, but was a terrible shot. Anyway it’ll be interesting to see. Yes, anytime now, we’ll see. Until then, we forge ahead.
I have been told that dogs like air more than food, which is why you see them hanging their heads out of cars windows instead of in the backset eating. This must be true, unless people aren’t putting food and water dishes in the back of their cars like they’re supposed to. Either way, dogs in cars look pretty happy, and if I had a tongue like that (I wish…) I’d want to dry it out a little bit too.
Dogs are pretty smart, except for the teeny ones with the big mouths and bad attitudes. Those guys are not so smart. And because of this, their owners won’t let them hang their heads out the window of the car because if they did, they’d lean out too far (the attitude thing) and be sucked out the window into the vacuum backwash and never be seen again. It’s a vicious circle, really… air makes dogs smart, and lack of air makes little dogs stupid. And petty.
This is expressly why airplanes suck.
Once you are on one of those things, you have “air,” I guess; the same recycled air you’re sharing with 100 other people. Now mix that lack of air, with lack of sleep, and too much alcohol (or whatever) and you can see why people are being dragged off planes. Frankly I think they do it deliberately. They get themselves thrown off so they can breathe again. I mean, what is the orthodontist convention in Dallas compared to the life resuscitating virtues of air, even if face down with handcuffs on a filthy tarmac?
Hmmm… it’s getting to be that time. The air I’ve been holding? I think my brain has used (most) of it up. But I’m not giving in. I want to know if my fingers will keep typing once I pass out. It’s the kind of experiment that you can only conduct if you have supreme will (or other psychological ailments). But whatever, I’m not, not…uh, gonna give, uh…hmmm… up…ahhhh…
…are my fingers still typing? Am I dead, or just unconscious?
Someone do me a favor? …and uh…911? That would be super. Might need some, you know, air?