Driving

Jeffrey Denny

Driving today, a woman in a Subaru with a Coexist sticker cut me off and yelled at me.

A bit later a foreign embassy aide in a limo with diplomatic plates tried to pick a fight with me.

I saw a Prius with a Trump sticker, a RAM 2500 Crew Cab pickup truck (14 mpg, city) with a Bernie sticker, and a Honda Accord with a Hillary sticker driving in the middle of the road.

A guy in a BMW flipped me off but he was missing that finger so no harm.

I spotted my first driverless Tesla! Nope. The driver was too short to be seen.

A tiny clown car stopped and eight spilled out. I chuckled but then realized they were just children dressed in bright colors.

Similar mistake when I saw a very banged-up old Ford Taurus— a total wreck — being driven by a crash-test dummy. He turned out to be bald guy with crash-test dummy symbols tattooed on the side of his head. Wish I’d thought of that.

An off-road vehicle was parked over the curb and half the sidewalk.

A Smart car didn’t notice the light was green and people were honking. Maybe it was just book smart.

The Oscar Meyer Weinermobile was waiting at a Nathan’s Famous drive-through.

An electric car went by with a bunch of socks stuck to it. Static cling, I guess.

It was a warm, sunny, gorgeous day but people driving convertibles all had their tops up. I yelled at them, “What do you want? This is it! This is why you bought a convertible!”

A bike was in the car lane so I drove my car in the bike lane. It’s ok — I wear bike shorts everywhere all the time because I like the slim fit and the padding.

I snorted in irritation at pedestrians crossing the street looking down at their phones but then noticed no phones — they really just had terrible posture, probably from looking down at their phones other times.

Vin Diesel drove by in a diesel van. Traffic was slow and he was furious.

A colleague likes to lay on the horn in snarled traffic not to make the cars go, but to relieve his driving stress.

I stopped using my turn signals because it’s none of people’s business what I’m going to do next.

My car has run-flat tires that all went flat. What difference does it make?

I never drink and drive because it’s hard to hold a beer while texting. Besides, the cup holders are too small for the 40 oz. Schlitz Malt Liquor.

I like to pull up next to clueless drivers to see if they look like clueless drivers. Yep, they do. I also notice a lot of drivers race to pull up next to me, and then peer in.

My vanity plates say MODESTY.

It’s impossible to look dignified singing alone in the car to the radio. Especially if you’re a 60ish middle-class white guy rocking “Juju on that Beat.” (Do that one dance baby/That, that one dance/Yeah, oh/You don’t know how to do that?/Baby do it for your grandma/Come on, I’m old and I’m trying to learn it/Well yeah, do it.)

I’m looking forward to driving tomorrow.

Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer.