My unique and brilliant takeaways from the 2018 midterms
Did somebody win?
I’m not done yet reading all the mainstream media, Official Trump Media, Facebook and other online news feeds curated for my preferences, 4Chan/Gab/alt-right psychotic media, and other analysis of the midterm elections. Certainly not enough to intelligently parrot other people’s unique and powerful insights.
Nor am I ready to like, respond to, or re-post any trenchant and hilarious social media comments and memes about the election. I’m still wandering around un-showered in my filthy pajamas, no less at the office ignoring my colleagues’ “feedback” on my hygiene that hates on my personal agency, bewildered by what to believe about the results.
Did the Dems win? Did Trump win? Did America win? Did Obamacare or caravan immigrants or right- or left-wing mobs win? Did racism win or lose? Did CNN’s Jim Acosta “win” by getting kicked out of the White House press corps for sassing the president? Was Acosta too “handsy” with the intern who accosted him to wrest his microphone, or did she #HimToo him?
The mind reels; the soul searches. What is real? What is “real”? Am I real or just “real”? Does it matter? Should I regret not reading the existentialist literature I was assigned in college because it made me wonder whether even existentialist literature existed?
All that said, here are my six initial and original thoughts about the 2018 election that nobody else thought of:
1. Like aging Little Debbie cakes from CVS, Count Chocula, purloined opioids, network TV sitcoms, driving recklessly, fiery highway car wrecks and everything else we’re ashamed to enjoy, we have to take the Trump good with the Trump bad.
Maybe Trump is mostly bad. But we take irresistibly naughty pleasure in things that irritate, debilitate, rile, addict and/or kill us such as Juul e-cigarettes (try the “Fruit Medley”: peaches, grapes and berries with herbal notes); delicious 440-calorie Chick-fil-A chicken sandwiches with two pickles on a toasted butter bun; 330-calorie Starbucks Oprah Cinnamon Chai Crème Frappuccino Blended Crème; and Fox News.
2. In spite of the many mean, nasty, ugly things people say about her, especially on Fox News, we just can’t get enough of Nancy Pelosi. Like Kanye, the Kardashians, Alec Baldwin playing Donald Trump and cowbell, we want more Pelosi. Gotta have more Pelosi!
3. America wants free or cheap, taxpayer-subsidized healthcare just like the GOP Congress that votes to kill America’s healthcare has. We want coverage of preexisting conditions and even non-existing conditions including Candidiasis Hypersensitivity, Morgellons, Wilson’s Thyroid Syndrome, Adrenal Fatigue and Questus de Lectum, also known as “getting out of bed in the morning fatigue.”
The GOP Congress also enjoys free coverage for SHS, also known as Shameless Hypocrisy Syndrome. Any real American who doesn’t want that is a hypocrite who needs it most!
4. Trump tax cuts, trade wars, tariffs, bringing no jobs back to America, insulting loyal allies, sucking up and selling out to dictators, fighting the angry liberal feminists Antifa mobs, making white nationalists feel good about racial hate, not stopping the Obama economy, and other amazing Trump achievements: What did the election say about all that? No idea. Who cares? So bored.
But even though Fox immediately dropped Trump’s election fear tactic, that dirty ragged brown immigrant caravan is still heading toward the U.S. border, traveling in bad shoes at a tragic Fitbit rate of 0.02 miles per hour. At that rate, they should be arriving at immigrant-hating GOP Cong. Steve King’s offices in Sioux City, Iowa, by Easter. Bad!
Speaking of Easter, many of Cong. King’s constituents who reelected him are evangelical Christians (blessing his 100% rating from the National Right to Life Committee. They love the baby Jesus. The adult Jesus too. You don’t hear much about teen Jesus. Whatever, apparently Iowa’s Jesus doesn’t take kindly to poor, tired travelers wandering around without a home or the right papers.
Even worse, a Fox special investigation reveals that a number of caravan invaders had to choose between rowing or wading to get here, and many of them support Roe v. Wade.
5. Just because your U.S. Senator is smarmy, snaky and greasier than a deep-fried bacon burger slider on a stick, and was called the “single biggest liar” and “Lyin’ Ted” by your beloved president, it doesn’t mean you can’t vote for him. Even if he called your beloved president a “sniveling coward,” a “pathological liar,” who is “consistently disgraceful” and a “train wreck.”
If it’s Texas and he’s a Republican running for reelection, you vote for him, goddammit, or else we’ll hog tie and whip yer liberal ass, and not in a fun way like in that there Shades of Gray.
6. The monster Blue Wave that Dems frothed about like a glom ripper slotting into a sweet tasty rad barrel was majorly skunked into an ankle buster, dude.
I don’t know surfer lingo, but I think it means the Democrat tsunami failed to swamp the election and Washington. The Dems picked up only 35, possibly 40 seats in the House when all votes are counted, making 2018 the party’s biggest midterm gain for Democratic midterm gain in nearly half a century and allowing Trump to declare the results “very close to complete victory” for him.
But even though fraudulent and non-fraudulent American voters let the Democrats illegally seize the U.S. House of Representatives, it’s in no way, no how, not whatsoever any repudiation of Trump’s nasty divisiveness, pandering to racial hate, insane corrupt clown rodeo administration, or turning the White House into a Mel Brooks parody of a Führerhauptquartiere.
The Dems taking the House is just an historic midterm electoral trend, but even smaller! It’s not a Blue Wave, it’s a Fake Wave! Trump won again! Trump always wins! America is still not sick of winning! America is not sick at all!
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer