Troll like a Trumpster
Seven tips to own the stupid liberals
One of the hardest things about loving President Trump like I do is trolling the stupid Trump-deranged liberals.
You can’t talk sense to deranged people. Especially mindless deranged sheep who swallow everything the liberal fake news mainstream media feeds them.
For example, the liberal media treated the Paul Manafort convictions and Michael Cohen guilty pleas implicating Trump in a federal crime as big important stories. They’re not. The illegal immigrant charged with killing Mollie Tibbetts is a much bigger story. Fox made this clear by leading with Tibbetts, devoting most of its top stories to Tibbetts, and low-balling Manafort/Cohen. (Murder in black neighborhoods in Chicago and a snarky piece about democratic socialist Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez also made top Fox news.)
But Fox can’t defend Trump by itself. Someone needs to help Hannity & Co. school stupid liberals and make America great again.
That’s us. Like true patriots who fought and died for our country know, freedom is not free. It requires personal courage and sacrifice. While many of us Trumpsters have only wielded the courageously anonymous internet version of the proverbial pen that’s mightier than the sword, we’re still brave freedom fighters.
I mean, even Thomas Jefferson never fought in the Revolution he started with his courageous writing. After bravely posting the Declaration of Independence, Jefferson fled Monticello and quit as Virginia governor minutes before British troops arrived. His life and education made him ill-suited to command armies, he explained, and he didn’t want to stand in the way of those who were better at it.
So when we troll the liberals, we’re like Jefferson — picking fights from the comfort of home. The only difference is that Jefferson signed the Declaration with his real name. They didn’t have cool patriotic screen names then.
Enough about our 3rd president — what’s important now is our 45th and best and most popular president ever.
Over 40 percent of Americans approve of Trump. So do 90 percent of Republicans, even though many of them, in spite of their fat tax break, think Trump is an unmitigated disaster for our country and common decency.
But many Trump supporters — real, or going along for now — struggle with how to keep the Trumpfire burning. Online commentary is a good way, or at least a personal release.
The challenge facing us Trumpsters, however, is the same with all great writers: How do we face the daunting challenge of the blank page, or in our case, that tiny online box?
As Terry Pratchett, a famous writer nobody knows, once said, “There’s no such thing as writer’s block. That was invented by people in California who couldn’t write.”
We Trumpsters clearly can write better than those stupid liberal Californians. But sometimes it’s hard to get started, especially if Fox commentators aren’t giving talking points and you’re bored with pointing back to Hillary. Here are seven tips:
1. Huff with disgust when political comedians like Bill Maher or Michelle Wolf, or Maxine Waters, or any liberals, say anything mean, nasty or ugly about Trump. Ignore when Trump says mean, nasty and ugly things every day about everyone. After all, shouldn’t the President of the United States, Commander in Chief and leader of the free world be held to a much lower standard of decency and manners than comedians or anyone who is offended by him?
2. In calling liberals stupid, don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, grammar, syntax, usage or anything else taught in grade school. Also, reasonable or respectful comments, or informed and constructive debating points, are nowhere nearly as easy or fun as insults, name calling and other fighting words you would never have the guts to sign or say to someone’s face lest you receive a punch in the mouth. Anonymity frees you from accountability. Make the most of it.
3. Cheer when white supremacists and neo-Nazis provoke liberal protesters to anger. Then jeer at liberal protesters when they are provoked to anger. As any bully acting out personal problems knows, incitement is exciting and with hope, you can incite people to physical violence. Bonus: If things get ugly on you, then you get to point fingers and play victim.
4. On a related note, if someone criticizes alt-right fascist violence in Charlottesville, then declare that anti-fascist violence is worse. This makes promoting racism morally equivalent to opposing racism. Sure, Richard Spencer was charged with conspiring to incite racially motivated violence in Charlottesville, but what about John Brown’s abolitionist revolt at Harpers Ferry? Huh? Six people died there!
Also, ignore that the liberals didn’t show up in Charlottesville as self-appointed militia in full cammo gear and armed with semi-automatic weapons, as the white nationalists were explicitly encouraged to do by their organizers. Liberals also didn’t kill Heather Heyer or viciously beat DeAndre Harris in a parking garage and blame him for it.
Liberals tend to come to protest situations armed with knitted pink hats, cool chants, and hilariously sarcastic signs they painted by hand with their friends, neighbors and children. But their words seeking peace, understanding, mutual respect and freedom from hate can sting even worse than a flagpole upside the head.
Besides, what about Antifa? Huh?
5. Spread the lie that left-wing socialists are taking over the Democratic Party. Prove it by cherry-picking a handful of so-called democratic socialists who won their 2018 Democratic primaries in majority Democratic districts like the Bronx.
Ignore that the overwhelming majority of Blue Wave candidates gaining in Trump and GOP districts are middle-road, common-sense women and men, many military veterans (some combat-decorated), who are focused on local and kitchen-table issues such as healthcare, job training, infrastructure repair and the like.
Most Democratic candidates are not even mentioning Trump because constituents are more interested in actual policies that actually will make their lives better and America great. Nevertheless, keep spreading the lie because it feels good.
6. Running out of new liberal offenses to troll about? As noted above, look for inspiration from Fox & Friends, Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson and other network favorites, and also Breitbart, Washington Free Beacon, Townhall.com, Infowars and other leading alt-right news sites that uncover and tell you the real truth. You know because they say so.
Don’t worry about keeping up with events—Facebook and other news feed algorithms will give you exactly more of what you already believe, feeding your confirmation bias and motivated reasoning, and making you think your reality is the real reality.
The sites you’re fed will give you both the facts to support your preconceptions (instead of the other way around) and snarky points to make and then declare — boom! — you won the argument.
But act fast — and stay ahead — before you sound like right-wing sheep. Example: Fox “host” Trish Regan trashed Denmark for being democratic socialists like the stupid American liberals emulate. Within minutes, countless online posts by Trump supporters/liberal haters appeared making Regan’s same points trashing Denmark.
Don’t be an alt-right media sheep! Start posting before all the good stuff trashing liberals goes viral.
7. If you remember nothing else, remember this: Liberals are always stupider than Trump supporters.
Oh sure, they think they’re educated, they think they’re so smart, even smarter than the smartest President of the United States who is a billionaire, which they are not.
But the liberal college professors and liberal fake news media who feed the stupid liberals their stupid liberal ideas just make them stupider. Pity the liberals. Treat them like they’re slow children. Write in ALL CAPS to make sure you get your points across.
Finally, when you troll for Trump, take comfort in this: Hating people you call haters does not make you a hater. Setting aside logic, in America, you’re a patriot.
So don’t be shy — let it go, troll it out. America needs you. And the stupid liberals need a good learning. Even if they condescend you just because you can’t spell or write like we learned in school.
Jeffrey Denny is a Washington writer