Achieving Self-Confidence

My friend Rae and I had very similar upbringings in that we both didn’t quite fit in, and thus had our self-confidence eroded and shamed. To survive, we both did our best to be “good girls” and follow the rules. In that process, we lost track of our core, those things that make our heart sing. Here is Rae’s story, still in progress, about achieving self-confidence.

We’re both now in our 50s and are finally gaining ground on what was lost. I interviewed Rae to tell us her story.

Manya: How was your self-confidence eroded as a child?

Rae: My family was very traditional regarding roles the family took on. I never fit into those roles because I was a dreamer and artist.

I knew that I was going to do something wonderful with my life, but it turns out therewasn’t room for such dreams amid the corn fields of Iowa. I remember going to Expo ’67. I was in the US Pavilion coming down a big escalator. Below were people from many countries in their ethnic attire. I thought that was so magnificent. It was quite a far cry from my little town of 1,300 people. There wasn’t any time or energy for anything out of the ordinary, in fact it was discouraged.

Manya: How did this develop as a young adult?

Rae: I learned how to camouflage my true self, to suppress it. It was safer that way. As a consequence, I attracted others whose energy, I would say, was also quashed. I suppose we felt comfortable together.

Manya: How do you describe your mind when you try to express yourself verbally?

Rae: When I’m trying to get a point across it’s often difficult. My mind immediately startsfocusing on how I think the other person is hearing what I have to say. I easily lose my train of thought because I’m constantly worrying how the next word out of my mouth will be judged by the listener. So I end up stumbling along. I eventually end up saying the thing I wanted to say but it is very convoluted and takes a lot of energy!

Manya: You’ve recently been speaking at certain times in a British accent. How has that been helpful?

Rae: I enjoy listening to accents, and especially British ones. At first, I was just playing with it and having fun trying it out. Then I noticed that I speak more confidently when I use the accent. The muddled thinking that accompanies my regular voice disappears when I focus on the accent. I don’t question every word like I normally do. I don’t judge myself. I can skip the part where I take responsibility for the outcome. I’m in the process of learning how to apply that to my regular voice now.

Manya: What’s an example of how you are putting that into practice.

Rae: I’m in a self-help program and one of the things I do is make three calls to other people in the program to get in the habit of reaching out to people. When I first began making those calls, I’d feel that I was interrupting their day. Over the last weeks I’ve found that when I just speak up, saying what I want to say without judging it or wondering how it’s going to come across (since I don’t know these people very well and sometimes not at all), it turns out that those receiving my calls have told me what I’ve said has been very helpful to them, and some are even grateful that I called! That’s been a welcome positive reaction, encouraging me to continue speaking with confidence even in my regular voice.

Manya: What reactions do you get when you use your accent?

Rae: Some adults are put off by my accent. I guess they have a certain prejudice about it that I don’t quite understand. Maybe it’s that they expect me to be a certain way and they are uncomfortable with this different way of being. For me, it helps me get out of my standard way of operating to explore something else. It’s a mind-bending thing and opens up new horizons.

Manya: What’s your plan for moving forward?

Rae: I feel like the time is ripe now for embracing my self-confidence. I have taken many steps of late to achieve it, and it feels like they are paying off. Playing with accents, feeling like I don’t need to apologize when making the phone calls, observing my mind’s muddled and distracted state when I speak and seizing opportunities to practice it, and loving myself by giving myself a break! These are all ways I am taking action each day to achieve it.

Manya: Thanks very much, Rae, for sharing yourself with us this way!

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Manya Vee is the Director of the Fullness Circles Foundation. She enjoys helping others find Fullness through her writings and in the small groups that are Fullness Circles. She loves helping others explore, discover and act on those things most meaningful to them.

Manya’s weekly inspiration column can be found at FullnessCircles.com/manyas-musings.

You can connect with Manya by emailing Manya@FullnessCircles.com

Illustrations by humanist thinker and illustrator Jeff Stilwell. Used by permission.