Anonymous letters to unsuspecting recipients

For months, I’ve been mailing out letters to folks that ask for one, but occasionally I’ll write to people who have no idea that a letter is coming.

My friend Ivy tapped me to write a letter to her college friends as a gift for the holidays. They do not know me, and did not know it was coming. I was happy to oblige.


Dear Larina and Jesse,

You may be wondering why in the year 2016 you are receiving a letter, and why it is coming from a complete stranger. Well, let me set your mind at ease. This is not a bill, legal notice, or a plea for you to vote for me in the upcoming mayoral election (Incidentally, please vote for me in the upcoming mayoral election). No, this is just an honest to goodness letter being sent to you on behalf of you old college friend, Ivy McNally. Yep, ol’ Ivy’s made a real name for herself here in Hollywood. She just put a down payment on her fourth hot pink Jeep Grand Cherokee. Suffice to say, she has little to no time left in between massages and lavish galas for writing letters to her friends who knew her back when she was a nobody with nothing but a few smashed pennies and a cookie recipe to her name. I’m being paid three and a half cents per word to write to you right now from a desk set up in her pool house’s pool house. Hold on, let me make a little money for the holidays.

Words Words Words Words Words Words Words Words Words Words Words Words Words

There, that’s good for 45.5 cents. She never reads these things too closely, and if I’m being perfectly honest with you, I think she’s been blind since that skydiving trip she took with Rachel Bilson a year ago, and she’s too proud to admit it to anyone.

Anyway, I’ve been instructed to tell you that Ivy requests your presence at her annual Oscars party. Her neighbor Elton John has been throwing one for decades and Ivy has made it her stated goal to “crush ‘Yellow Brick Road’ like a bug” with a larger, competing party. Please let her know if you’ll be having the lobster or steak entree.

Ivy wishes you a happy holidays, and hopes to hear from you soon.

Love Ivy,

Jeff Wattenhofer


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