Now Hiring: Chocolatier & Candy Chef

Job Ref: Chocolatier & Candy Chef

Dear Sir or Madam,

Chocolate is my life, my art, my inspiration. It is my canvas and the clearest window into my soul. If things went my way, children would have a similar fatal reaction as dogs to the cocoa leaf, so that my creations would not be wasted on such unsophisticated palates, but also, poetically, their last taste in life would be their greatest. If you’re looking for Hershey Kisses and Mr. Goodbars, I shall take my services elsewhere, but if you wish to stand on the shoulders of giants and touch heaven itself, I would be happy to join “Kilwin’s Chocolates, Fudge & Ice Cream” in Baltimore, Maryland.

I was trained by my father and grandmother, both tyrants in the field. To them chocolate was life or death. You may have watched the Willy Wonka film believing it to be a mirthful romp, but I assure you, as a child in my family, the horrors they depicted onscreen were practically documentary. After witnessing countless victims perish in our chocolate stream, it is impossible not to take the subject of chocolate as seriously as I do.

I should warn you. I am EXTREMELY hard to work with. I’ve been dismissed from dozens of kitchens that could not keep up. Several restraining orders have been filed against me, and I am legally barred from working as a chocolatier in the state of Rhode Island. Let this be a warning, I can promise you Kilwin’s will be no different if anyone should stand in the way of my vision.

There will times in the kitchen where I have gone completely missing for days. Hours will tick by and nerves begin to frey. You’ll shout, “Where the hell is he? It’s Easter weekend for Chrissake, and we haven’t got bunny one out on the salesfloor! Shelly, you call my extension the SECOND that prima donna son of a bitch pulls in the lot, you got that? I’m gonna can his ass before he can dirty up another smock. *sigh* I never should have sold my family’s car dealersh…” At that very moment, I enter the kitchen in a trance, silencing you with a single pointed finger, and procede, never breaking stride, to the kitchen where I prepare a truffle that would make God herself well up with tears of bliss. And your chocolate bunnies? I made those at dawn. Check the walk-in.

All the screaming arguements, the broken dishes, the blood and bruises, the fires and lawsuits will all be but a funny anecdote onstage as we accept countless top honors at the International Chocolate Conference in Brussels.

Please, hire me. Allow me to take you on this one-way thrill ride to Chocolate Valhalla.

Sincerely,

Jeff Wattenhofer