Now Hiring: Cleaning Help in a MMA Gym

Ah, so Jill Turner needs a little cleaning help at her Mixed Martial Arts school in Frankfort, Illinois? At last, Frankfort MMA is showing signs of vulnerability. Sounds like the perfect time to STRIKE!

Job Ref: Looking for help Cleaning in MMA Gym

Dear Ms. Turner,

So, your MMA school needs some part time help cleaning up, huh? Well, that’s too damn bad, because I didn’t come here to get the job. I came here to issue a challenge. Me versus your best guy (or girl)…in the octagon. If I lose, I take that job as janitor/office help, NO PAY. If I win, you cede control of the Frankfort Mixed Martial Arts school and all its students to ME.

Let this be a warning, I’m HIGHLY experienced in numerous styles of fighting. I’ve studied boxing, kickboxing, Muy Thai, Kick-Muy Thai, and have a flawless record in Twister. I can wriggle out of anything, and hitting me only makes me madder. You don’t want none of this.

What will I do with your dojo when I win? Well, I have plans to take over the entirety of Frankfort Illinois, as well as neighboring Mokena and Tinley Park by sheer brute force. But, to make the town cower at my feet and do my bidding, I need an army of your trained fighters to back me up. When your impressionable young students see your best fighter laying in defeat, they will have no choice but to switch their allegiances to the victor.

These young warriors will constitute my army, terrorizing the town, stealing the supplies we need, and protecting our lair from enemies. I won’t need guns, because your students will be my lethal weapons. First, we’ll take over the historic business district, then the Walgreens on Route 30. Within the month, the whole village will be under my control.

As a showing of goodwill, I will allow you the rights to your intellectual properties, for the Frankfort MMA School is DEAD. It is the PAIN DUNGEON now! I will, however, continue offering the fitness kickboxing classes, as they are quite popular and a bit of a cash cow.

You may wonder why, since I’m such an experienced combatant and leader, I don’t have my own collection of trained fighters at the ready. Frankly, I don’t have the time to open my own martial arts school, design a logo, advertise, build up a clientele, weed out the kids with helicopter parents, and get them all on board with my plans to terrorize Frankfort, Illinois, ok? It’s just easier to issue the challenge to your MMA school and then take it all, lock, stock, and barrel in a high stakes superfight.

So, what do you say? You got the GUTS?


Jeff Wattenhofer

PS…Do I need a special accreditation to own and operate a martial arts school in Will County? I was looking on the Frankfort City Hall webpage, and I’m a little in the weeds about that one. Maybe we can grab coffee before the fight and discuss?

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