my secret design

I’ve got a secret. One of the reasons I went into graphic design years ago, despite studying fine art in college, was because of the physical pain painting and drawing causes me, which is also why I don’t play guitar much anymore. I still draw occasionally, like I decided to do a few minutes ago. Now my hand is aching. I can’t do it for very long at a time, or for very much during any given day. This is something I’ve mostly kept to myself for a long time, maybe because it makes me feel old. It’s a combination of carpal tunnel, arthritis and a few other things. Even though I’m just over 40, my body is heading south in some very clear ways. I guess this is normal? But I still hate it. I should be used to this, as these pains started in my 20’s, but I’m not.
I gave up on art making years ago, because of these problems (and for other reasons). But I‘ve learned that I’m miserable when I’m not creating. I still wanted to do something visually creative, and pushing a mouse around seemed like a good way to go. So a few years back I started pursuing graphic design. It’s worked out well, and I do enjoy the challenges and also being a part of the design community. It’s full of great people, who are changing the world. I love a lot about it. But there’s a growing sense that something is missing.
It’s like there is a tether tied to something inside me. It’s pulling me and I’m resisting like a giant fish who’s afraid of getting dragged to shore and eaten. But maybe this whole time it’s simply kept me from going out too far and not finding my way back home. That’s how it’s starting to feel. Like I went on a journey to find something that was never very far; I thought it was “out there”, but it may have been very near this whole time. Perhaps we need the journey, just so we know for sure. But there is still fear and pain. And if running from those two things was a sport, I’d make Michael Phelps look like an Olympic medal pauper.
But I feel at this time in my life that I really need to lean into the things that are painful and cause fear. And as much as I like design, I feel drawn back to fine art (no pun intended). It’s where my heart really comes alive, I believe. Making the decision to press through the pain, perhaps, makes it even more valuable, even more important. I regret that I ever took my abilities for granted. It’s cliche as hell, be we always think we have more time than we do. No, I’m not dying, so forgive the drama, but the simple fact is that the hours I can spend making art lessen each day.
Don’t misunderstand why Im sharing this. I don’t want pity. I’m just “thinking out loud” and putting things out there maybe because I need to verbalize openly things bothering me. To get them out and stop letting them occupy the dark corners of my mind, wasting resources. Maybe this is a form of accountability. I don’t want poetic resolutions that are ultimately empty.
I don’t want poetic resolutions that are ultimately empty.
I’m not giving up on design; however, I want to start making more room to pursue what I love, and what I feel called to do — make art and mentor other creatives. I feel qualified for mentoring, in the sense that I know everything NOT to do. And I know also the heartache of failure, as I‘m pretty sure I’ve failed in every way a creative person can, at one time or another. When I was younger, I wanted to be a famous artist, and it was all about ego. Now that I’m older I love being able to help other creatives flourish, just as much as creating something myself.

So, I want to more actively pursue art-making despite the pain, maybe even BECAUSE of the pain. Not sure if that is doodles, gallery type work, illustration, a mix or some other thing. So, in the midst of my priorities of caring for my family, I’m taking small steps to change course. I don’t want to regret what might have been. Doesn’t matter that I figured these things out in my 40s and not my 20s. I believe the process is more important than the finished product.
And there’s grace to meet anyone where they are. And there’s community to help keep us going, encouraged, and accountable. So, I’m just going to set more time aside to start making art with little (if any) agenda but exploration.
I’m probably over-sharing. I’ve been accused of that. Guess I don’t care. It’s worth it if it helps me (or someone else) get to where we need to be.
#confessions #smallsteps
